same ole shit

had a therapy appointment today. as long as i am still going i guess that is a good thing. my therapist mentioned how scared she would be if i was a no show to an appointment. i told her she should be scared. the pro death part of me is rather insistent. i have come to the realization that i probably will kill myself. the question is when. that i do not know. all the suicide sites say that one should be alarmed if said suicidal person suddenly seems calm or even happy. it means that a decision has been made. well that decision has kind of been made. the big question is when. this month? i don’t know. again the pro death me tells me to say fuck off to the world. that i have done my time. she has mentally erased me from everyone’s lives. she tells me that i am worthless and no one really cares if i live or die. she also points out that there is no reason to believe my depression is ever going to get better or go away for that matter. and she does have a point. been in therapy and meds for 20 plus years. still stuck in the same ole shit. like i have said before depression isn’t sexy. if it was there would be better therapies for people like me. and insurance companies would not get away with the bs they do now. like mental illness is somehow illegitimate. i wish i was faking this. maybe then it wouldn’t cost me my life. not that insurance co. care. mine actually has a clause that states any self inflicted injury regardless of mental state will not be covered. so its do it right or don’t do it at all. nothing half assed. that is why i have chosen a gun. nothing ambiguous about that. i am screaming inside-is there anyone listening?