same thing over and over

I trusted some one again and they left me i gotten back a friend but i dont think she wants to talk to me really any more i have my friend i made this year hes a good friend i think i bug him some times i dont think i will ever find some one that whants to be my girlfriend more one day as much as i want some thing with them i put in so much effort with every one to put a smile when there sad or mad but whos there for me when i need it no one i just want that one person that realizes how bad im hurting and broken i feel and just for them to tell me every thing will be ok ive started smoking weed and ciggrets and drinking alot more im really young still in high school but i just feel hopeless like a faliure to my parents to every one and im fat and i just want to join the military to make some one proud of me or to atleast have a pourpose.i cant sleep any more at night i stay up to 8 in the morning and fall asleep or i just dont sleep . i dont belive sucide is really the answer well not yet anyways it will be at eventually but i just want to know if i can get my life on track the military is what ive wanted to do since i could remember but right now ive shut down im broken im hollow with no emotions except for maybe a few hours out of day i think but the rest i hide and some times go out with my friends and put on a fake smile and change my self so no one knows who i am for real . i think i would be a good soldier becuse i have no feelings for death when i hear about bombing shooting even little kids not a single emotions come ups most of you will call me a heartless beast but i dont have fear of death and suddenly i think again about sucide becuse who doesnt feel bad about stuff like that im a selfies i think i only have a bit of feelings for some one i can relate well to who ever actully understands this mess i just wrote i would like to hear from you