Thinking will be the death of me

I’ve imagined possible suicide methods for quite some time, but I never thought overthinking and looking back would do it. Considering what I’ve gone through, I have no control over it. I’m sorry I’m about to write a lot down.

I was conceived on the day my father forgot to pull out. I was not planned. My older sister needed a friend so my mother kept me. One and a half years after I was born, my parents divorced. Why? My father loved prostitutes and vodka more than his family. After that my mother dated numerous men and married & divorced 2 men before I reached the age of 12. I’d never really had a consistent male figure in my life. Apparently, my family wasn’t worth sticking around. I felt as if my sister and I raised ourselves. My mother would always stick by whatever man she had at the time. I was picked on as a child and hardly had any friends. I always had knots in my hair, kids would call me ugly, and mock my Sailor Moon obsession. My mother wasn’t there to make me feel pretty or special. Whenever I’d come home crying from school, she would tell me to grow the fuck up. My father continued to be in my life, but only for lunch dates while he was taking business calls and giving us the child support check. Never for personal matters. When, I entered high school. I had a serious eating addiction. I would knock out a pantry before the school week ended. I was 15 lbs overweight and I joined the girl’s lacrosse team to shed some lbs. It didn’t help. All the girls on the team would mock me for being the slowest runner and how I was a freak because I listened to metal. I tried not to let it get me down. I was already stressing about sex. All of my friends lost their virginity when they were 14 and i was still a virgin. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 18 in college. I’d lost 20 lbs within the first two months of my freshmen year. My new body was turning men’s heads. I started getting wasted at house parties and having sex with random dudes almost every weekend. Before I started my sophomore year, I had a fling with a guy for 2 months. One night we had a party at my grandmother’s house (she was out of town) and I got blacked out drunk. When I woke up from the blackout he was having sex with me and I was screaming at him to get off and his weight pinned my entire body down making it impossible for me to move. I just laid there and cried. After the incident I continued to have sex with him, thinking that I deserved what happened to me. One night while I’m having sex with him, he pushes me off and says that I was ugly and horrible at sex. I ran off and never saw him again. Months later, I meet a guy on my birthday . We have an intense love affair for 2 months. Lots of sex, walks by the river, horror movie nights, sushi buffet dates. He dumps me out of the blue saying that he only stayed with me because he felt sorry for me because no man ever wanted to date me. A week later I find out I’m pregnant. Two weeks after that, I have an abortion. He doesn’t help me pay for the procedure or speak to me because he thought I should have kept the child. I cried myself to sleep every night for two months. I started having random sex after that. I thought hard dicks will cover for hard times. two years later, I meet another guy on my birthday. We have an on and off fling for 6 months. Lots of sex, pizza and metal shows. I was smitten. He’s the hottest, funniest, most intelligent guy I’ve ever met. He has sex with a friend of mine while fucking me and numerous other girls. During this time, I’ve been failing 2 of my classes, my friends were graduating, my father says I’m too stupid to be in college, I’m hardly living paycheck to paycheck, and I’m starting to question my worth. I started cutting and two months later I ODed on sleeping pills and was out cold for a day and a half. I told my best friend. She called my mother and I moved back in with her for 3 months. I did everything to mentally move out out of that house. I threw out my razor blades, started taking zoloft, and started taking yoga classes.

I soon moved into an apartment that I’m in today. And I’m still thinking I’m worthless. I’ve been losing the luster I once thought I had. I’m not worth a second thought or a hard-on to a man anymore. A man has always been the missing piece I’ve wanted in my life, but not sure if I’ve ever needed it. I don’t need another person in my life reassuring my worthlessness. My friends have moved on with their lives. They’ve morphed into such beautiful, independent, smart people. My overall ugliness is getting in the way of their future. My mother is poor. My father has another family. My sister thinks I’m a fuck up. And on top of that I’m facing a serious DUI charge. How much easier would it be if I just left? My mother wouldn’t have to worry about giving me cash every now and then, my friends would finally be happy, and my father could be free of his little mistake. I just want to leave. Or have the thoughts leave. I just want numbness.