I’m reaching my breaking point. Last night, I wrote my letter. I plan to do the deed in August. I would do it sooner but I promised a good friend I would help decorate when she moves  in July. Initially, I planned to go out on my 40th bday. You know give myself one last chance to make something of myself and turn this miserable life around but I’m EXHAUSTED –physically, mentally, emotionally.
I got into a good college after high school but I ruined it by dropping out after my junior year. My life has been on a downward spiral ever since then.  I’ve spent the last fifteen years trying to make up for my mistake. Last year, I finally finished my bachelor’s degree. Now, I’m in a job making less than I did before I had the degree.
Since finishing school, I have had to face how empty my life really is—I have very few friends and I am not close to my family. Everyone at work is either married or in a relationship. I don’t fit in at all.  I’m 35 and I have never been in a real relationship. All the guys I’m interested in are in a relationship and/or simply not interested in me. I’m fat and most men find me unattractive. I know I will never be in a relationship, get married or have kids.
I suffer from chronic lower back pain due to a herniated disc. There are days when the pain is so bad all I can do is lie in bed doped up on pain meds. I’m in my thirties and already own a cane and a walker.
I’ve been in therapy for years. I’ve been on at least different anti-depressants. I actually do the work the therapist suggests. Every time I get my hopes up that things are going to finally change for the better, they seem to get worse. I know there is something inherently wrong with me – I seem doomed to fail.  I cannot nor want to put any more energy and effort into this life. I just can’t do it anymore. I’m tired of being an outcast and being alone. I have no reason to keep on living.