I am 25 years old. I have always had problems with depression, with self-harm; I’ve attempted suicide twice, and I promised myself that the third time would be the last; I won’t mess it up, next time. The third time will be the end.
The third time is all I can think about lately. I have lost everything, these past few months. Two years ago, I moved 1000 miles away from home; away from all my family, who spent my entire childhood abusing and neglecting me, and away from all my toxic friends that only dragged me down into their messes. I wanted a fresh start; I wanted to find a place where I could breathe again.
I found it, for at least awhile. It wasn’t in a place, but in a person. She has meant everything to me, these past two years. She has been my reason for living. All I have ever wanted to do is make her proud. When I wanted to give up on life, she would help me find a reason to keep on trying.
Now, she’s gone. And I can’t cope with it, at all. She’s been the only happiness in my life all this time; I have truly always felt that we are soulmates, from the moment I met her. She would tell me the same thing. But then she left, and I’m alone. I don’t know what to do, anymore. I don’t know anything. I only know that it hurts too much. I miss her. I love her. And she promised to always be here for me. She knew all about my trust issues; how I was abused and neglected and at 13, nearly raped by one of the boys who lived down the block from me. She knew everything, the things I have never been able to tell another living soul.
And she’s gone. It’s like someone ripped out half of my soul and now I’m nothing, broken. I want it back. I wish I’d have never trusted her. I wish I hadn’t had hope, and that I had just given in before we’d ever met. Then I wouldn’t have to feel this pain. I don’t know how to live, anymore. I go to work, I come home, I eat and I shower and I sleep. But I don’t live. I’m nothing, just a shell, an empty person, a dead girl walking. She left and she took my life and my hope with her.
I want to die. I keep thinking about it; I even dream about it. I haven’t felt this strongly about it in years. I have slit my wrists, I’ve tried pills. This time, I won’t mess it up. This time I’ll make sure that however I do it, I won’t survive. Because I don’t want to live in a world without her. I can’t. She promised and she broke that promise and now I am even more broken than I was before. Does any of this even make sense? I don’t know the last time I slept properly. I don’t know anything anymore.
2 comments
I am so sorry for your pain. I guess it’s true, sadly, that our problems follow us. No matter how hard we try to get away, they’re always there. Like a disease. No escape.
Sorry. 🙁
“I go to work, I come home, I eat and I shower and I sleep.”
Keep doing that. It’s better than not doing it. In fact, the best thing you can do is keep doing those things, and taking the time you need to heal from this. It’s going to be agonizing, and it’s going to leave scars. You might never quite lose feelings for someone who has gone, but you need to heal yourself so that you can move on… so that you’re not stuck broken, empty, alone, unwanted by anyone (because no one wants someone who is broken), left isolated, to sit in sorrowful solitude, thinking of someone who is not coming back. Just keep taking care of yourself, and try to be patient with the process.
“Does any of this even make sense?”
Absolutely.