Hi I’m a 13 y/o girl from Sweden that at the moment feel like shit.. My whole life has been hard and so on but now I just want to die. My brother is the main problem, he hits me sometimes but not hard or anything, it the words he says. My whole life he’s been there to tell me that i will fail, I’m nothing, useless. Now those words are the truth in my eyes. He scares the living hell out of me, when he gets mad (and that is pretty much every day) I usually run to the bathroom. Then I will sit there for 40min an hour. It’s really hard when I think about how he ruined my life! When i was younger I would get bullied at school, and when I got home I would get bullied by my brother and, that  just don’t feels fair.
When I was nine yeras old I told my mother that I wanted to die, I was suicidal. She laughed at me and said “Don’t you ever say that again! You scared me.” And then she left, My mother left me. She just forgott about me because it was so much easier for her, but when she left me alone that day, something died inside me. Since that day everything got worse, I really wanted to die. I stared decided days when i would kill myself, i wrote suicide letters and thought how much better the world would be whitout me. Then i changed school, thought i could get a fresh start! yeah right.. I fucked up, I didn’t havy any friends and i panicked when i saw the people that bullied me the most. I didn’t want to go to school at all and i stared cutting. I even sucked at that, i only did it a couple times on my wrist but then my mom started see the scar. First she would just ask what is was and i would lie, nothing big. I was never really anything big in her eyes. Then i stoped cutting, scared i would have to tell my mom how i felt if i kept doing it. Then i changed school again, things got a bit better, then my friend really got depressed. She would cut her whole arm opend in school etc etc, so ofc i had to take care of her. She got better, but then my two other friends started feel bad. I still didn’t feel good and they knew about it but, i’m not that important. So, anyway, Â i took care of all three of them at the same time as i felt like shit. I then found this guy on the internet. I fell inlove, he said he loved me to but yeah, it was a lie.
Present time, I got my heart broken, I’m taking care of three people that i really can’t take care of, i started cutting again, my family still haven’t noticed how i feel, my brother still abuses me mentally and I’m scared.
I do not want to die, but it feels like i deserve it, not even my own mother could love me, so why would anyone else?
I’m pretty sure nobody read this far but if anyone did, thx i guess. The decision i must make now is, can i think about myself for a while and just try to get better or is that to selfish?? Should i take care of my friends insteed? And i know i can’t spell for shit se yeah…
8 comments
hey, feeling the same way here. my brother is being so mean, and my other family members are hitting me. if you want to talk just say ‘i wanna talk’ so we can find a way to connect each other by messege, twitter or whatever, okay?
Jag beklagar, min svenska är inte så bra.
Jag är ledsen att höra att din egen bror handlar dig så hemskt dåligt.
Jag mobbades när jag var på skolan och gymnasiet, men det blev bättre i år när jag blev äldre.
Jag är glad att du valde att söka hjälp och att du valjer att forsätta leva.
Jag tycker att du har en bra framtiden att se fram emot.
Du har vänner som behöver dig och folk som bryr sig om dig.
Ge inte aldrig upp och håll ut!
Jag hoppas att du förstar min dÃ¥lig svenska 🙂
Ha en trevlig dag!
Thanks for sharing your story, what you have had to experience and are now having to find your way out of isn’t fair.
When those closest to us hurt us the most… it hard not to take what they say and do to be anything but a conscious intentional attack on us but often it’s not. Your mother and brother just may not have the tools to respond any better. Likely they aren’t responding at all but reacting, and reacting its fight or flight to their fears.
That’s the thing it’s their fears. That crap belongs to them but unfortunately when were afraid the way many people deal with that fear is to project on to others. Unable to deal with the pain and fear within themselves those closest to you may, subconsciously, want you even expect you to fix it. As the only person anyone can change is themselves, this type of projection isn’t going to end well for either party.
It’s their stuff and I know it’s hard but I hope you find away were you don’t let what they say and do define you.
You obviously have a loving soul and I hope you don’t lose just remember that a loving heart is not a week heart. A truly loving heart is strong enough to set boundaries, identifying and owning what belongs to you and to letting go of the crap that rightly belongs to others.
Just to be clear, nothing I said was intended to excuse the behaviour or your brother or mother.
Understanding why someone might do what they do does not relieve them of their responsibility, or perhaps more importantly place the responsibility onto our shoulders, something many people experience and unconsciously do.
Understanding why someone does what they do can help us better deal with the situation.
As a aside..
Forgiveness is a similar skill.
Forgiving someone allows the forgiver to move forward and does not relieve those that have harmed us of the consequences or ownership of their actions.
Forgiveness more often than not is about healing the forgiver, allowing them to move forward, than the person who is forgiven.
Forgiveness also does IN NO WAY require that the forgiver allow the person that has harmed them back into their life.
Hi,
Yes you should take care of yourself! I agree with helping your friends, but you also need to help you. As for you and your brother, I’ve been there and done that. My best advice is to not have anything to do with him. I know that’s hard. It’s upsetting. But if he’s abusing you like that, he’s not being a brother. Brothers and sisters can fight and argue sure, but it should never get this far, not ever! I’d at least not have anything to do with your brother for a while, in hopes that things calm down. And if they don’t then you know you’ve tried to keep the peace and have done all you could.
I feel bad that your Mum rected badly to you wanting to kill yourself. She was probably very scared and just didn’t know what to do. Gives her no excuses at all to tell you never to say it. You were trying to express your feelings hoping to get help, which is what she didn’t understand. I hope she does eventually. From what I read I’m sure she doesn’t want you to die. Just don’t let your brother get to you though. The ffact that you want to keep living is a good sign! Try to look after yourself however you can,, like get a massage, go for a walk, find interesting hobbies, or read good books. Preoccupy yourself with good things if life gets to you. I kknow this doesn’t work all the time but it works enough to keep the motivation going. If not, then try to think of something you’d love to stay alive for! It could be anything like starting a new family, even tomorrow night’s tTV show. Simple things like that even. I hope I’ve helped…
Firstly, I read the whole thing. Just throwing out some feedback. It’s sounds like you have your health. I had best friend that cut and she turned out fine. Sounds like a lot of anxiety and stress. Since you may not be able to get away from your brother TOMORROW start taking a Muay Thai or some class like this. In three months you can tell you brother YOU CAN NEVER TALK DOWN TO ME AGAIN. Let you Mom know you won’t allow it.
Also, it does sound like your Mom probably loves you a lot but is busy. Hard to tell from a post. Hang in there, get back on the horse. Keep fighting. You have youth & health as your allies.
im sorry. travel well my friend
If you’re being abused in any way you need to get out of that environment. It will ruin your life. There are ways to get out of there. You need to do something about it. Get out. And mental abuse can cause all kinds of issues. An abusive environment can ruin your entire life or be a good start to it being ruined. Then one more straw can break your back.