Again? Were things ever really better..?have they ever been okay? Or were all those moments just a distraction..
I’m scared. And I’m alone. And I’m so tired.. and those words taste so bitter.. because I thought I was strong enough to beat this.. I thought it was something you could beat. In my years I’ve always shrugged away help or people. Because every time I let my guard down.. I learn a new lesson. A new, sad lesson that makes me tnink even more that its just time to give up this fight. And Ive been fighting all my life.. before I even knew what depression was. And every year it gets harder to want to live. I call it caring.. because I’d rather say I just don’t care than.. it makes me so sad I don’t even value my own life anymore. And I hate writing here. This hallway of lost whispers. And no one finds their answers. Or if they do its just that the world can be so unfair to us. Don’t expect pity from falling. Only expect to be kicked when you’re down. I know that every struggle is different. But it is meaningful to that person.. to their life. And to each and every one of you I hope with all my heart that you find peace. Because such a twisted feeling as wanting to suicide. I wish it on no person. I know these simple words will fade away in a place with so many dark whispers. But if this is such a raw and truthful place then it is where I would lay down all of my doubt and worry. A page among so many that greive and fight their silent battles.
I started writing this long page. My story. But it isn’t my story that needs to be told. Facts are facts. It doesn’t make it honesty. I don’t know if I want to keep fighting or not. It seems like such a senseless battle. I’ve dedicated my life to understanding what this was. How to overcome it. I’ve asked so many questions I wish I didn’t know the answer to. Because I don’t like the answers. Life is unfair.. I don’t trust people. Every time I have I’ve wound up on my ass. I’ve been dragged out of the house by my hair.. when I was thirteen. The first time I’ve ever asked for help. And I’ve heard so much bullshit from other people I don’t even try to tell my side anymore. Why would I? Every on is so quick to say you’re wrong. Why waste breath. Someone once told me that I just needed a kick in the ass. I don’t know why that phrase stuck with me so much. Probably because I’ve been fighting my entire life to find a solution.. but everyone’s so quick to say I’ve never tried. Well now they can. Cause I’m done. I give up. I’vegone against my beliefs and went to a mental ward. I’ve tried medication. Therapy. I’ve tried being involved in life. I’m a good person damn it. I have strong morals. But I want to die. It goes against everything I believe in, but I don’t want to be alive anymore.
I give up. I’m done talking. Done trying. People don’t care. . And I’m done overlooking the bad. Now I just want to curl up and cry about everything that’s happened. But its my own problems to carry. They won’t cross my lips again.