Why live?

Ive never been that girl to be “depressed”. Im always laughin,even when there’s that one thing that killed my mood,i always find something stupid to laugh at…now i realise that that was my brain’s automatic way of blocking out what i call pain.

Something happened tonight that changed me,my whole mental state. My dad hit me..not just hit but PUNCHED me. He misinterpreted something i said and took it as an insult, so then,he punched me. I must admit, im not the most respectful child,at all. But i NEVER thought my own father would punch me,as if i was one of his scumbag friends. Ive always said that ” when im in trouble,my mom hit’s me,never my dad,he’d never hit me.”- boy was i mistaken. He went on to tell me ‘you’re nothing’ and “you will die one day”. Dont know what that meant but, it hurt,alot. My mom didnt know what to make of the situation except telling me to shut up and go to my room- dont know why.. Dont get it twisted- ive had a very privileged life. My parents gave me everything i want, and we are considered wealthy, but no amount if money can compensate for this anxiety i have. To be honest,i don’t know what to write,or how to handle this. Drank 11 painkillers (hoping it will make me dizzy),no dice. Cut myself ( that helped a little)- But now what? What happens next? I dunno. Im ranting because i have nothing to do (s0rry). I hope if i got to sleep,im wont wake up, i just want that permanent numbness- death. Ive never attempted suicide,thought about it alot,never had the nerve to try,now ive tried,now what? Dont know,someone comment,cause im really lost.