i just dont know how to feel

Hi. My name is Ashley.

I’ve been struggling with depression since I was 9 years old. I’m 19 now.

I recently got the diagnosis of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder with a behavioural disorder due to drug and alcohol use at a young age.

Just over a month ago I gave up. I tried to commit suicide in the past but I never did it right, so naturally nobody took me seriously when I told them how I was feeling. This time was different. My lungs gave out, they had to do my breathing manually. When I woke up they sectioned me. I was put into my local mental health hospital.

Everyone on my ward had psychosis. They talked to themselves. Some were a danger to people outside the hospital. I was quite scared to be honest.

I’m now back at home (I live alone) and have rejected my medication and my treatment plan.

I can feel myself dipping again. I’ve been quite content for a few weeks but today I’ve been having random blasts of severe hopelessness. I’m crying as I write this. I feel like I’m drowning.

I recently went through a pretty devastating break up recently too. He couldn’t handle me and my lows. When I was on a high we were amazing. We were amazing anyway. We never fought. We were perfect. But I would have a low and he couldnt handle them. He’d get upset because he couldn’t help me. I upset him with the things I said. About wanting to commit suicide and hurt myself. I’m worthless.

People always say “don’t give a shit what anyone thinks of you. If you’re happy then stuff em.”.    I can’t make myself happy and I can’t make anyone else happy. So what’s the goddamn point of me?!

See, I’m rambling. I just don’t know how to feel anymore. I’m up and down like a yoyo and I just can’t cope with the lows anymore. I know if I tried to do it again, I would just get found and brought back to life.

I don’t know if I want any advice. I just needed to let this out.