This is my story from the startÂ http://suicideproject.org/2013/07/my-story-161/Â please reaad that first before continuing down so you will understand the bits that i’ve missed out.
So you have read the beginnings and the main depth of what happened in my child/teen life. Heres some that i have missed out like my eating disorder , suicide attempt and the visions and self harm.
Im going to start off with the visions i get when i have anxiety attacks or panic attacks i haven’t told anyone what i hear, see or feeling during these episodes. Not even my psychiatrist. Well i get flash backs of the that night i got raped its like im right back re living it, i can feel everything smell the damp earth and his horrible b.o and smoke smell but my hearing goes of when this traumatic anxiety like episode strikes me i cant hear anything around me until its over. And in that time i burst out in tears i have moments when i scream into my blanket.. no one is around when these strike the black bastards like to get me alone so im more isolated.
The other visions i got are me as a small child i was taken way back to where i first walked, to being held in my mothers arms then it flashes back to me being stuck in a coffin.. its hard to explain but my anxiety attacks are out of the ordinary they scare the heck out of me! sometimes i cant breathe it feels like someone is choking me and at the same time something in my mind all these tormenting thoughts. Â I have told a few close friends of mine about the visions i get that are so rapid they change from one thing to the next they think im psychic but i really just think its flashbacks well memories flashing back really.
Anyway with my eating disorder its kind of a mind ridden thing that i now have controlled thanks to the new medication im on. but i just never ate i hated food, this resorts back to the anxiety/panic attacks cause when i have them i get told a lot of nasty things from the black bastards(negative thoughts) they always told me i didnt deserve to eat i believed it, they told me to look in the mirror and see how horrible i look for eating and i believed it about a month later i noticed my hip bones were starting to show , Â and it freaked me out the idea of turning anorexia just.. because i have seen things on the internet about anorexia really scared me. I know i was asking for it by never eating but when i was in my good headspace i realized these small things like starting to go anorexic i Â gave my mum hell about it
We went to my psyciatrist and told him i lost appetite and never ate anything. and i told him my hipbones were showing i said its only the medication i was on at the time which was “seritraline” but i lied. i didnt want anyone to think im just going insane by hearing voices telling me i dont deserve to eat or im not allowed anymore. He knew though my psychiartist isnt stupid he just understood i didnt want to say anything just like he knows i dont want to go to doctors to get my scars examined i keep making excuses. But he changed my medication to one that will help my mind and control my appetite which i was happy about at the time cause i wanted nothing more then to be normal again.. After coming to accept myself ive started to realise i don’t even medications to be happy, i dont need these external superficial things to make me happy just be happy with me and the life i chose.
Thanks again for reading this, sorry its all so long but thats about in depth i am going to go about my hell of 3 years. And keep your opinions to yourself if you have something horrible to say remember its not even you thinking those thoughts.
I want good positive feedback or link me your stories cause id love to read them ! and we can all get through this together 🙂