My story…

So i decided i shall share my story with you all even though how difficult it is because i can never put words to how i feel or what i’m experiencing. So please bare with me..

NOTE: Some parts of my story may be a bit shocking to read but this isn’t a “feel sorry for me” post just so you all know a bit about my back ground but i wont go into detail as this is a bit personal for me.

Well i was a happy outgoing kid i had a wonderful childhood i lived out near the beach and i went to a lovely small school, i loved riding my bike all around the town, i had a very wild imagination as kids do.. But it all went down hill at age 13 as everything does at that particular age things start changing your body, your mindset but your so naive to it all and its frightening right? anyway i moved into the city and started high school of course. I was a young 13 year old though i still liked kid things i didn’t want to grow up. As the year went on i started to change i started to hang around the wrong sorts of people cause i really had no idea i trusted people instantly which was bad.. And of course i got bullied a lot cause hey its high school but i never understood why i got picked on the worst i didnt understand why these people would be so cruel when they had no idea who i was deep down..

I always got food thrown at me called names like “rat” “disgusting” “poo b*tch” and all sorts i know your probably thinking get over it your not the only one who gets bullied. But thats not what i thought at all or think to this day. I was a sensitive young girl i was innocent i had a big heart and these people made my heart go colder and colder to the point where by the time i was 15 i was a very negative bitter person. I hated myself , i hated everyone else my mindset was nothing but hatred, but i never blame the people that picked on me cause now i realise i did that too myself i created my own negative world because i held on too what those people said about me what they did to me instead of forgiving them and letting it go.. I liked this senior as well which as girls we all have that one massive crush in high school i thought he was amazing but he didnt think so fond of me cause he wanted to be “cool” like everyone else and pick on me. These two girls decided to set me up, they got everyone in on telling me that he wanted to date me about 50 people were in on this sick joke. Even he was. When i found out i was absolutely heart broken my “kid” self was gone my sweet loving heart was turned into a hard rock thats then when my innocent self started to disappear. This is just the beginning of my story….

Toward the end of the year i made a friend that i thought was a “friend” and she decided we will go out for the night. I wasn’t into the whole party idea but she pushed me and manipulated me to the point where i just gave in. I didn’t realize at the time what i was getting myself into. So we ended up at some girls house who i have never met before she was already drunk, there were kids everywhere and the house smelt bad of weed. Few hours went by and we decided to go for walk abouts in town it was around 11 at night and we went down this road and came across a bunch of people it was by a park it was very dark. I knew some of the people from school so i talked to them. Another few hours went by and my thought so “friend” decided to ditch me to have sex with some dude and the others were up by the car park, i needed to go pee so i tried to find the public toilets i didnt know anyone else so i had no choice but to go by myself. This is where its going to get tricky for me to explain as im starting to tear up while typing…

Um as i came out of the toilets i tried contacting my mum to pick me up cause i was cold and i just wanted to go home.. But she didnt answer i knew she must of been fast asleep cause at this time it was 1 in the morning. A guy i have never met before was hanging around the toilets, he tried talking to me but i had no interest as i just wanted to get home so i just said heya and walked past, as i did he grabbed me and said where the f*ck are you going? i remember every word every move he did so clearly because this was so frightening.. he shook me and asked me again then he pushed me down by my collar bone area next thing i know he shoved his jersey in my face, it smelt of dirty old smoke and b.o… this is where its getting even more complicated to explain.. i dont think i can say the rest but he raped me servilely as hewas doing that he was punching the heck out of my hip bones because i tried to get him off me. I was a virgin. I was in so much pain that i cant even describe i felt so violated i felt dirty i just wanted no one else but my mother.

He disappeared when he was done i couldnt even hear anthing i just layed there in agony my mind was blank all i could smell was his dirty jumper and mud. I layed there for about 30 minutes after it happened i was petrified to move as i was in extreme hell of pain. But i worked the courage to get up and walk back up to the car park everyone had left apart from these random drunk people and a taxi was there,  i walked up to them balling my eyes out everyone just thought i was a drunken mess so they shoved me in the taxi with these German exhchange students. They were lovely. Ill never forget the girl who sat next to me holding me while i balled my eyes out into her i had no strength to tell them what happened i just wanted to get home.

Even though the next day i couldn’t tell my mother i just layed in my bed all day with these sudden attacking thoughts came over me. I examined my body and i was intensely bruised from where he punched me around my hip area.. Days, months, 2 years went by and i still hadn’t told a soul what happened in that time i went off the rails with self harming and suicide attempts my family had no idea what was going on they tought i was just some messed up teenager. Which i didnt blame them.

But I am now 16 only a month ago i worked up the courage to tell my grandmother cause i was libving with her at the time. She knew i had attempted suicide in that time which lead me to this place called “tee roopu kimiora” and i see a psychiatrist every few weeks. I have been diagnosed with post traumatic disorder and deep depression. Im on quitaipine (anti depressant) alprazplam(anxiety controller) and sleeping medacation to help my chronic insomnia. I have just started my journey to happiness and im making good progresses. I haven’t self harmed in 1 week and i have started to control my anxiety and panic attack which both are HUGE deals for me since ive been battling these for 3 years now. Oh and i have told my mother and father that i got raped 3 years ago. And no the police have no idea and he is still out there somewhere which haunts me.. but on a happier note i am in the process of designing a tattoo based on my story i cant wait for that 😀 and i admitt i have skipped a lot out because its really difficult for me to explain and go into depth of how i tried to take my life and how i self harm there very major things for me to just burst about i hope you will understand that. But one day i will work the courage to tell you all how vividly these panic attack and visions i get ad how i deal with them..

Thank you for reading my ridiculously long story , bless you all <3