I don’t have to much screwed up in my life but i still feel like i serve no purpose and every time i think about it i know that there’s gonna be someone whos happy that im gone. but every time i think this i remember my life a year ago. at that time i was on so much bullshit. I judged people on how they looked and i just walked around acting like i knew everything and just didn’t care and didn’t see and deep meaning in life and just treated it like something that was a joke. then the week of my birthday […]
July 2013
i’m new here, and found this website due to heavily thinking about suicide. i used to be depressed, and it was like an endless, black abyss; now i am not even depressed, i’m at the point where i am numbed out. nothing makes me sad, but nothing makes me happy :/ just a little background on myself. but i found this piece in an article very interesting, it’s a read, but worth it; psychiatrists put emphasis on 3 main factors of suicide.
thoughts and opinions !
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Joiner is 47 now, and a chaired professor at Florida State University, in Tallahassee. He’s made it his life’s […]
So.
Uh.
Let’s start. I’m Christian. Presbyterian, in fact. I’ve been this way for a while now. Uhm…well…you see…I believe I’m Pangendered. A.K.A, genderqueer. yeah. I don’t believe that I belong to any gender, and am comfortably happy with who I am. Mentally. Physically, I am either gender depending on my mood. I am also Pansexual. I can love anyone regardless of gender (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, asexual, etc.). Herein lies the problem…I’m “supposed to be happy with the body God gave me. Yes. God gave me the body. It’s my choice on what I do with it. I’m not saying I want some big surgery or […]
When the alarm clock sets off first thing in the morning and you know you’ve got to face another day. What are your thoughts and feelings then?
For me it is horror, dread and confusion (confusion because when I’m dreaming I see myself in a healthy body, doing things in a better world, and feel that that place is real, until I wake up to reality). I often will shake or even convulse at waking up.
I have been trying to get out of this body for years specifically from the age of 7 to 20 (current age)
I have tried suicide multiple times including cutting my wrist and taking loads of tylenol around 200 and then drowned that with hydrogen proxide but I did not leave, I did not even cross over. I mean what the fuck this was one I was around 16 and I am 20 now still wishing to just cross over but I realize now my family would be very sad and down the very same path that I have always seeked.
The only coping mechanism I really […]
Since I sold my car (that my wonderful ex bought me when I completed a depression rehab stint) I told my therapist that I woulnd’t be able to attend our sessions anymore… She of course rebuttled saying “No Ma’am, we can FaceTime chat instead”. Faaantastic.Â
So I just spent the last hour (and $250 bucks) lying through my webcam about how much better I’m doing. And no, those arent boxes in the background of my room that I’ve packed up for my departure! Ha. Whether she bought it or not at least I have the rest of the night to listen to […]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvDfIcMI3M4Â Â – one of the best songs ever
http://www.jukebo.com/utada-hikaru/music-clip,sanctuary,rvk33.html – Awesome song but unavailable on YouTube for copyright
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPXEOYM7vtMÂ – a must listen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVUDNj9S8TAÂ – I play this a lot….
Dont know if you will like them but these songs just speak to me unlike anything else….hopefully you will enjoy them  as well
From the outside I have it all. Unfortunately my mind is plagued with trauma, depression, and intense anxiety… leaving me in an existential haze in order to cope; I am merely going through the motions. I used my looks and my body to get through college and thought I would regain my sanity afterwards, but thats not the case. I now have a useless degree, too many therapists, lost a soul mate, and a mind that won’t cease come nightfall. […]
Hi,
Of course I realise that I don’t want to die. Â I just want everything to stop. Â Or change, I don’t care. Â I supposed I will create a list of “Things I don’t like about myself”.
1. I am very overweight.
2. I drink too much alcohol.
3. I can’t apply myself to anything
4. I can’t deal with anything that stresses me.
5. I am anxious and unable to form real friendships or relationships
6. I just want to stop!
Feelings of anxiety grip my chest, causing a wave of tension to travel both down to my legs and up through my back and neck to my face and the side of […]
I’m over 50, unemployed and very likely to remain so despite a good college degree and lots of experience. Â In November, my unemployment runs out so I shall be reduced to 400 euros a month – nobody can live on that.
My plan is to rent a chalet on a camping site – in October when it’s not too warm – and burn two hibachi barbecues inside. Â I was planning to do it in my camper, but I want to leave that to my sister and she wouldn’t want it if I’d died in it. Â Plus, I can leave the cat there as it is her […]
They think your crazy, they think your mad… They call you stupid, worthless. Tell you your not worth it… Now your walking back to the place you call home, but you feel so alone. And if they really knew all of those things that you do in your room, to hide the pain… I’ll bet their minds would change…They’d change if they knew the pain…
So the other day I was thinking about hanging it up and calling it quits, my life is complicated. I’m young but I feel like I lived life before if that makes sense? But anyway tied the belt around my neck and put it in a knot twice and was about to hang it up in my room, I tested it to see if it would hold my weight it did, and just as soon as I was about to give it another try my cat wonders in my room and starts purring and I put the belt down and started playing with my cat […]
To whom ever says they know me
If I didn’t want to live
Here is what I’d give
I’d give the breathe that fills my lungs
The food that will taste sour to my tongue
I would give the wayward mind I have
The undecided and unknown path
I’d give up everything
If I didn’t want to live
If I didn’t like humanity
Understand without unnecessary pity
We are overly selfish and dramatic
Obnoxiously annoying and spastic
We dwell to long on things I want forgotten
Too many people assume how I’ve gotten
If I didn’t like humanity
Perhaps I didn’t want to live
If I didn’t like myself
Here is the basic line up on the shelf
I am pudgy to others […]
Life has become a waste of time. Â In aviation they say, “too fast to land and too slow to fly” . Â I say, “too lazy to live, to lazy to die”. Fuck it
I hate my doctor at the therapy. He really thinks he understands me completely. Actually he doesn’t. He was like, when you feel you need to cut, go to your therapists or your parents. Could you make that promiss with me? He really doesn’t understand. I tried to explain, but still he doesn’t understand that I’m too scared to do that, and that I’m in a kind of trance when I cut. It’s really frustrating when people think they understand you, but actually they don’t.
Why?
Why can’t I face my problems?
Why must I always hide?
Why must I always lose trac of my effort? dammit why?
No matter what it is, no matter what I do, no matter what I was thinking barely seconds before, why must I always deviate from what I’m doing???
Whether studies, sports or whatever the hell I actually do nowadays, I just don’t seem to care, I just let myself surf the flow of the waves of thought instead of maintaining my course.
And, when I realise it, its always too late, relationships always destroyed, failing grades, competitions lost.
Every-fucking-one of my teachers or guardians or bosses are angry at […]
I sat there on the side of slop. The summer wheat swayed in the wind as I watched the sunset. I relaized that the world is full of beauty and I am nothing. I hung my head and realized, no one really listens, no one gets it. This hurt inside me is so deep, so painful, so incredibly numbing, that it goes on the lingering for suicide anymore. I simply don’t care anymore. I don’t care if I live, I don’t care if I die. I simply perform like an actor. If the program calls for laughter I laugh, if it calls for sadness I […]
As the sun begins to rise, I know I miss him. He’s sleeping. I haven’t slept at all. I know my brother will be mad at me, but I can’t help it. My friend is sleeping on the bed, and I want to call my angel. I know he is asleep. If he’s not, I’ll be pretty mad. It just seems so useless though. Being here without him is almost uncopable. I know that when the sun is up and the birds sing, I can see him again. But until then, I can feel my mind slipping away and breaking apart. Why won’ t things […]
Well…this is the first post I’ve put…well, anywhere in regards to this subject, but at this point I feel I’m due. I don’t really know what else to do. I’m approaching 28 years old in a couple months and I just….give up. The “love of my life,” has made it clear he is so far from “okay,” that he is struggling to maintain his own life, let alone mine. We have been together going on 3 years but, honestly, it feels like life has been an eternity. We are both miserable, not just because of each other, but honestly, because of life. We failed. We […]