damn, this ghastly insomnia has caught up to me again. It seems i am trapped in my own mind.
its never a pleasant experience when i am caught up in my own thoughts. idea’s and realizations take hold and i cannot shake them, ergo what led me to self harm in the first place.
but on a rare occasion a wondrous idea takes root, and itÂ is great at first, but then i become fixated on it, it is in my every thought and dream. it makes me feel new and whole and like there is a point to the future after all.
but then i bore of it and move on. but i always feel as if i lost apart of myself with it.
as if i failed myself.
as if i was the thing i bored of.
granted a little different. but still odd
i have nothing left.
my thoughts,feelings, hopes, dreams. my every minuted wasted on false realities.
all of that is what i live for.
a chance to portray me in a new light, a chance to show the world my idea’s and creations.
a chance to break out of this bubble i am in. this faint ideation thatÂ i am normal.
granted even i know i am not normal. freak, trash waste of space, call me what you will. but i am not normal.
i have a gift, no one can deny that. i am a creator, of many things. i create worlds, characters, idea’s, new beginnings, hope, inspiration, relief, hell probably even trauma.
but the fact is, i create. not many people can say that.
i am proud of what i can do, and hopeful of the future. as of right now i have to get past the past, and that is one of the hardest things to do.
its almost like it is imbedded inside, i feel as if i have to lose myself to shake off the negative.
but it is what it is.
i hope that i do not lose my creative edge with it. i found these gifts when i was enduring, and it is what has gotten me through, i hope it wasn’t like a defense mechanism.
i dont want to lose it, it is apart of me now, even more so than my organs. my need to breath.
i need to create more than i feel i need to live.