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Trapped

by Tormenting Dreams

damn, this ghastly insomnia has caught up to me again. It seems i am trapped in my own mind.

its never a pleasant experience when i am caught up in my own thoughts. idea’s and realizations take hold and i cannot shake them, ergo what led me to self harm in the first place.

but on a rare occasion a wondrous idea takes root, and it  is great at first, but then i become fixated on it, it is in my every thought and dream. it makes me feel new and whole and like there is a point to the future after all.

but then i bore of it and move on. but i always feel as if i lost apart of myself with it.

as if i failed myself.

as if i was the thing i bored of.

its odd.

granted a little different. but still odd

bizarre even.

i have nothing left.

my thoughts,feelings, hopes, dreams. my every minuted wasted on false realities.

all of that is what i live for.

a chance to portray me in a new light, a chance to show the world my idea’s and creations.

a chance to break out of this bubble i am in. this faint ideation that  i am normal.

granted even i know i am not normal. freak, trash waste of space, call me what you will. but i am not normal.

i have a gift, no one can deny that. i am a creator, of many things. i create worlds, characters, idea’s, new beginnings, hope, inspiration, relief, hell probably even trauma.

but the fact is, i create. not many people can say that.

i am proud of what i can do, and hopeful of the future. as of right now i have to get past the past, and that is one of the hardest things to do.

its almost like it is imbedded inside, i feel as if i have to lose myself to shake off the negative.

but it is what it is.

i hope that i do not lose my creative edge with it. i found these gifts when i was enduring, and it is what has gotten me through, i hope it wasn’t like a defense mechanism.

i dont want to lose it, it is apart of me now, even more so than my organs. my need to breath.

i need to create more than i feel i need to live.

 

Sincerely

ShatteredGlass

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2 comments

one_day 7/3/2013 - 3:39 am

Non creatives will never understand what burning need we have to excercise our art. Keep doing your thing. Humans survive out of instinct. But we live for the arts, the sciences, those a quests for meaning greater than one individual.

driftz86 7/3/2013 - 9:24 am

I have insomnia too. I use to write songs or rhymes when I had a dream to be in the music biz but that fell through when I realized what it took and what I could take. Apparently not a lot. I’m a victim of my own mind as well. Thinking about it has given me a reality check and being hit by it and life, being hit by it so hard that my spirits have broken. This is the reason I am here. Insomnia is a *****.

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