27 and hopeless

I am a 27 year old man.  I am writing this because I don’t know what else to do. I am sorry if this is extremely long but I feel as though I just have to get this out of me.  I will understand if  no one were to read this.

I often feel hopeless about everything in my life.  As a child I grew up in a small town North of a major city.  I had friends, played lots of sports but often felt like an outcast for no reason in particular.  I would often become very angry if anyone rubbed me the wrong way.  I never hurt anyone seriously. I got in to a few minor fights, no suspensions or anything like that, but I was an angry child. I was hostile towards my teachers throughout my elementary and high school years. I always thought I was smarter than them, even in my earliest days as a student.  I would often challenge them on topics thinking I was better, smarter and more deserving than they were.

I never used drugs, drank alcohol or attended parties in high school until my senior year. I was 16. I was not popular yet I was not unpopular. Still, I was never really invited to many social gatherings. I met a girl online  when I was about to enter my senior year of high school. She lived in the United States about half a day’s drive away from me.  I moved out there to be with her, despite the obvious protests of my high school vice-principal (a very caring lady) and a totally normal and loving family.  My father even drove me out there to be with her.  I guess he thought that I would quickly get over this phase of what I can only imagine he assumed to be teenage angst. My mother really broke down over this. Thinking back, I feel incredibly remorseful about what I did then and how cruel I was to my family.  I would call them names, swear, berate  and demean them.  Somehow, our relationship these days is better than ever despite what I am about to tell you.

Of course things did not work out in the states and I returned home after a couple months and some minor infractions with law enforcement.  I got myself together and completed 2 semesters worth of classes, obtained very high marks and graduated with my peers.  I joined a rock band and had a good amount of friends. It looked like I was doing better, I was excited about my life and what the future held for me. I attended university to study a subject I was passionate about but I dropped out when I was 19 because I didn’t attend many classes and flunking out was inevitable.  For one reason or another I  did not go to class and continued not to attend because I hadn’t gone to the previous ones. It seemed to be a recurring cycle. Far too much partying despite my earlier years of hating parties.  Yet, I was finally popular among my peers and completely focused on maintaining my new found status instead of my studies. I used a lot of drugs, every drug except heroin. I even tried crack cocaine on a few occasions but was never addicted to anything other than marijuana which I had begun smoking at age 17.  It was more of a compulsory habit than a physical one.

After university I became depressed and began taking anti-depressants on the advice of my physician but I continued to consume alcohol.  The idea of suicide soon began to occupy my thoughts. Although I never attempted suicide I certainly thought about it constantly for a long time.  I stopped taking the anti-depressants but continued my lifestyle.

I moved into an apartment further away from campus with a friend from my hometown.  Things quickly began to take a turn for the worse.  I found myself working for minimum wage, unable to make enough money to cover my rent let alone food and other necessities.  It was then that I met a 30 year old neighbor named Corey.  Corey was a bright, intelligent young welder who lived on our floor.  Corey was addicted to crystal methamphetamine. It wasn’t long before my room mate was experimenting with it himself.  He was adamant that I try it myself explaining that it was like no other drug I had experienced.  I took a small amount of methamphetamine.  For the first 15-30 minutes I felt an insane burst of energy.  I quickly grabbed my guitar and began playing loudly.  It felt as though every bit of energy I had ever had in my life was surging through me all at once.  It didn’t last long.  Within those first 30 minutes I began vomiting.   I knew I had not taken much but then again I did not really know how much a lot of methamphetamine was.  I continued to vomit incessantly for the next two days.  By the end of the second day my roommate was very concerned about  my condition.  I had been vomiting at least every 30 minutes for 48 hours straight.  Not knowing what else to do he contacted my girlfriend who was at the time enrolled in the veterinary program at the university.  She spent the next 3 days slowly nursing me back to health.  I can only assume, though I’ve never confirmed this, that I was allergic to the drug in some way or another.  I never tried methamphetamine again.

One evening I returned home from work and found my roommate crying in his bedroom.  When I asked him what was wrong he told me that he had gone over to Corey’s apartment and found the door ajar.  He knocked on the door and called for Corey but there was no answer.  Concerned, he entered the apartment and found Corey half naked, blue, and unresponsive in the bathtub with a needle still stuck in his arm.  Somehow he managed to pull Corey out of the bathtub and without any training, proceeded to perform CPR on his seemingly lifeless body.  Whether by some miracle or pure luck my roommate was able to revive Corey. One would think that after a near death experience like that you would have to be certifiably insane to use drugs again.  Corey however, was severely addicted.  While he survived that experience I have no idea what ended up happening to him. I moved out shortly after and broke contact with both him and my roommate. My girlfriend left me shortly thereafter.

I tried moving to a nearby small city to attend college.  I made it through 2 years.  The first year of college I continued my trend of not applying myself but a professor who somehow, seeing some promise in me, gave me another chance.  In my 2nd year I excelled. I obtained high marks but then with 1 semester to go, I dropped out.  During this time I also became addicted to cigarettes which I continue to smoke to this day. The program I was enrolled in had set limits on the amount of time you could take to finish them.  Those have since expired.  Another wasted venture.

I was, and am, an intelligent individual. I know that, but I would become distracted from my studies by drinking, playing computer games or smoking marijuana which, by the way, is certainly not the best choice for someone taking police foundations.

I had beautiful, wonderful girlfriends throughout the end of high school and throughout university, but once I went to college I found myself alone. To go from being with one of the most beautiful, intelligent and ambitious girls on a large university campus for 2 years to nothing but being alone was difficult to say the least. I’m not a bad looking guy nor an incredibly handsome one for that matter. I’d say I’m slightly above average looking if that makes any sense to you.  Even so, I would often feel like girls were not attracted to me, even if some were.  I would never make advances towards a girl if I was alone, a behavior which I have since concreted.  In group situations with friends I had no problem acting incredibly confident, sometimes to the point where I truly could not believe how confident I was. Alone, I felt like the biggest most awkward loser.

I applied to the police force on the advice of a professor who felt I had the grades and ability to be accepted. I made it through every step, every test, every interview.  This entire process took months and months but in the end I received a letter informing me that  I was not accepted.  I was devastated. I was 22 years old at the time.  That hit me hard.  I felt like I just wasted 2 years of my life and had nothing to show for it so I decided not complete my college degree.

I ended up working in a related field.  Funny enough, if there is anything actually funny about this story, I took that position to gain work experience for a future career in policing.  I expected to be there less than 6 months. It’s been just over 5 years since then and during that time I worked my way up from the bottom all the way to the top executive management position in the company,a company with hundreds and hundreds of employees.  I just did what my father had instilled in me, a strong work ethic.  Albeit one which I rarely applied to anything outside of employment. I worked my ass off everyday.  I never settled for the position I was in and always aspired to move up, and I did.  I traveled all over the country and worked with federal authorities on both sides of the border.  I worked with celebrities and had amazing experiences.  I did not care about any of that, I felt no prestige in any of this because I was working 20 hours a day for months on end.  I could care less who I was working for or who was in the room.  I was a working zombie. Celebrities, high profile politicians from different countries, it did not matter.  I knew it was special but I did not care one bit.  Sometimes I wondered what would have happened if those important people knew what I was really like.  That I drank heavily, that I had tried hard drugs numerous times.  If they only knew. One night I went in to the office high on marijuana.  I thought I would be alone but the president of my company had come in to finish working on some documents.  He immediately called me on it, even though I didn’t say anything other than “hi” to him from a distance.  He knew. He asked me if I had smoked marijuana.  I denied it, but he knew.  Somehow, for one reason or another, that incident never developed into anything.

I still continue to drink everyday (6-8 beers a night) and smoke marijuana though not nearly as much as I used to.  I don’t use any other drugs.  I probably smoke and average of once a night and only an very small amount.  I use both these substances to forget my anxieties or depression and sometimes it helps, sometimes it makes it worse. Perhaps I also use these substances out of habit.  In any case, my dependency on alcohol and marijuana continues.

I’ve always had a problem, ever since I can remember, of letting things get to me.  When there’s a problem in any part of my life it’s all I can think about and I often think of the worst case scenario being the most likely, even though I know it’s probably not.  I can’t shake that feeling. I spend every single second thinking about it for days on end. I’m a very negative thinker.  Recently, I learned about state dependent recall.  To summarize: If you’re sad you look back on your whole life as being that way, looking at every experience as a negative experience and if you’re feeling happy then the same also applies.  That has provided me some comfort but hasn’t changed my outlook on life.

For the last 3 years I somehow managed to have a beautiful girlfriend who was 6 years younger than I but mature for her age (no partying or anything of the sort).  I moved in with her last year but she changed; hardly worked, dropped out of college and I had to support she and I the entire time which cost me close to $7,000 in expenses.  That is to say, $7,000 on top of rent and utilities in less than 8 months.  My savings were depleted.  My drinking increased, we got into lots of fights and my sex drive became non existent. I had to leave my position because of all my personal, financial and work related stress.  I could not take it anymore.  I took a leave of absence and returned after a month to a much less stressful position at the same company.

My girlfriend moved away to be with her mother for the spring/summer, 3000 km away. While she was away, about 3 months into her supposedly temporary stay there, she began to talk to me less and less and then one day, seemingly out of nowhere, decided to end our relationship. That was one week ago.  All her belongings are still in the apartment and I have to look at them all the time.  They probably will not be moved for another month.

For the first couple days after the breakup I was distraught, depressed, everything that normally happens when couples break up.  I signed up for online dating just to take my mind off her and immediately I felt better about myself.  I had to message a ton of women but after a good full day of doing this and finding out which sites were best, good looking, intelligent women started messaging me back.  To my surprise I quickly got over my ex although I still have thoughts about her a couple of times per day. I even set up a date with one new girl for this coming week but I think I accidentally creeped her out tonight. She looked at my profile (I’m a paying member of this particular site) it flashed on my screen and I messaged her right away.  Not to be creepy, just to say “hi”.  I quickly realized it probably appeared creepy to her; she cannot see when I visit her so it probably appeared to her as though I was staring at her profile waiting for her to come online.  She gave me a brief response to my initial message but did not reply to my second message.  Again I’m thinking the worst but in this case I believe it’s probably true. Of course I could be fooling myself, who the hell knows.

I often have suicidal thoughts and excruciating anxiety.  For the last 16 months I have been unable to drive on a highway because I feel severe anxiety and moments of panic. I freak out thinking I am going to crash and start to shake and tap the break constantly. I used to be a great driver, no issues whatsoever.  In fact, I used to have to drive extremely fast to avoid dangerous situations at work.  I have been shot at, I have had my hotel and my vehicles lit on fire, you name it.  Those experiences never fazed me at the time but just over a year ago it randomly started to occur; I could not drive on the highway. It had nothing to do with those violent incidents. I never had an issue with those and they honestly never affected me at all.  Well at least in any way I could think of.  It was as though it came out of the blue from nowhere; years after my last violent encounters.   I have had 2 serious panic attacks over the last 4 years for which I have was required to seek  medical attention.  The true number of attacks, were I to try and count, would be immense. There are times when I am happy, laughing, and all is well.  Yet, as soon as a problem arises I turn into negative me and feel depressed about pretty much everything.

Anyway, here I am making about $50,000 a year, just paid off my car after 5 years of payments.  An apartment to myself, a loving caring family; I was never abused, they are fantastic smart, upper middle class and very caring. Yet no girlfriend and now seemingly no romantic prospects.  No university or college degree.  The corporation`s owner wants nothing more than for me to return to the top job which would come with a ton of stress and a large salary increase but I don`t care about the money.  He`s basically forcing me back into it.

I have one close friend and a few not so close friends but I rarely spend time with anyone.  I have no friends where I live. My best friend is over an hour’s drive away.  I feel alone in the city I`m in.  I suppose that is not entirely true. I do have one friend who lives not far from me.  My former best friend.  A friend since childhood who has always had my back in difficult times.  Yet, I refuse to engage him.  He is everything I wish I was.  A man who does not care what others think, a man with innumerable friends.  A man who still makes a point of coming to see me on my birthday every year no matter where I am or how long it has been since we last spoke.  A buzzing socialite with seemingly infinite empathy for others. The reason why I don’t pursue his offers of friendship is a mystery to me.  Maybe it’s guilt for not being as good a friend to him as he has been to me.

My family is an hour away as well; much further when you can`t drive on the highway because you`re afraid you`ll have a heart attack. It`s just me and my dog ,who I love, and even with him I feel completely alone.

I don`t have a lot of money but I`m not worried to the point of eviction. Obviously I can afford alcohol and cigarettes but at any given time I have no more than $500-1000 in my bank account. Not much to speak of but I know there are others who are far worse off than I. My parents are kind and have offered to support me should I need it. Another gesture I am certain I do not deserve.

I feel bad for writing this.  I`m a self absorbed person who does not really care about others, yet I make it seem like I do.  I have everyone I know convinced that I`m a caring person, maybe a little hot headed, but caring nonetheless. I feel like I`m living a lie. I often feel as though I am more intelligent than 90% of people on this planet.  I know I am not, but I feel as though I am.  It is so difficult to explain.  I am a very smart person but I know full well there are so many millions of others that are far smarter than I.

My grandmother passed away this year and I did not cry or really give it any thought for that matter.  I feel terrible that I felt worse about my girlfriend breaking up with me than my grandmother dying. I do not care, yet I wish I did.  I feel bad for not feeling bad.

I feel like I am better than most people but yet I am jealous of their successes.

I don`t want to kill myself  most of the time but I constantly feel depressed and cannot help but think about it.  I sometimes reason myself to the point of thinking it`s a good idea.  I drink every day, everyday for at least the past 7-8 years.  Perhaps I have had 1 or 2 days of complete sobriety in each of those years.

I joined a volunteer group to meet new people but I`m so afraid to go and the first meeting is not far away. I did a Rorschach test and I appear to be totally normal. You see, I cannot be that smart because I know it has nothing to do with the problems I am experiencing, yet I took it to make myself feel like there is nothing wrong with me. I have been to my doctor and told him about my drinking, my smoking, my outlook on life but I feel as if he does not take it as seriously as I think it should be taken.  Yet, I talk myself out of going to another doctor.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Perhaps I am a narcissist who realizes he is not better than others yet feels as though he is.  I am conflicted.  I do not think I am bipolar.  My mood transitions seem to be relatively normal except if someone makes me angry. When I am sad it tends to be for long periods.  I believe I lack self confidence. I know I have a drinking problem but I convince myself I do not because I only drink at night, not in the morning or at work.  I just want to have a positive outlook on life but I just cannot seem to form one.

I know I will look back on these years and wonder why I spent so much time worrying about everything, because I feel that way already about the past few years.  I just cannot seem to change, I lack motivation.  I feel like if there was a beautiful woman cheering me on I would be motivated to do anything.  I realize how self centered that sounds.  There are other people with much worse circumstances and I feel bad that I complain, yet I only care about myself.

My father was born in the 1930’s and had an unimaginably tough life and yet somehow managed to become an educated, caring and very well respected individual. He doesn’t care what I do for a living as long as I am happy. I am envious of him. This is so hard to explain, I feel like a total loser.  I don’t want to kill myself but I fear I will only get worse and eventually one day I will give in to my thoughts. At the very least I worry that I will remain unhappy, unfulfilled and with a lack of motivation towards any facet of my existence.

I need help…Someone please help, I just want to be normal. If you somehow managed to read all this, I wish I could be more like you because you obviously care about helping others. I could never do what you’re doing unless it was just to make myself feel good.  I am no altruist. I can help others but I do not actually care about helping others and I want to, I want to so badly, but I know I need to help myself.

I know I need counseling, therapy, whatever you want to call it.  I know I need to be more active, to go out and meet new people and not care about the obstacles life throws at me.  I know all of this yet I take no action.  It can’t be laziness can it? I have a job, I pay my bills.  Is there such a thing a mental laziness?  Certainly my negative outlook is a self fulfilling prophecy.  If anyone knows, please tell me…I need help.

Sincerely,

27 and hopeless