So here’s the thing.
Oct 3rd is when I get married and its coming up pretty fast. I know this should be a grandest time in my life but the truth is, I am just not that happy about it.
The man I am marrying is the greatest, generous person in the world. He really is just that wonderful.
But I cheated on him. :\
I am not going to make excuses for what I have done because I was fully aware of what I was doing and wanted to do.
I can honestly say I have never been a cheater. Even with all the shitty ass boyfriends I went through, the urge to “cheat” never crossed my mind.
And what is even more unsual is that I feel absolutely no guilt what so ever. Why is that?
I cry for my partner because I know it would kill him if he knew.
I cry for the fact that the man that I slept with simply used me.
I cry because I still feel lonely.
I cry because I am not marriage material.
I cry because I am so afraid of the future.
I cry over all these other stupid reasons but I do not feel guilty of what i have done and believe me, I know I should.
I have thought that ending my life would be better than my partner finding out, but that is not all of the reason for wanting to end my life.
Loneliness, lack of self confidence, paranoia of the present, the fear of failing, the god damn anxiety attacks, and just the pure sadness of everything makes me want to end it all. The fact that I cheated just puts a big layer of shit flavored icing on the cake.
35 comments
Hi Worth. Monogamy is a social construct. That said, either you believe in it or you don’t. If you feel no guilt, then really you’ve done nothing wrong, just like I feel no guilt at breaking the speed limit.
The problem with cheating, as with breaking the speed limit, is if you get caught there’s hell to pay.
Am I going to stop speeding? No. But I’ll be extra careful not to get caught. And that’s my brilliant advice to you. Whatever you do, don’t suddenly confess to him 25 years after you’ve been married, for the sake of cleansing your soul… I haaate that. But if you feel no guilt then sounds like you’re ok with that.
If you’re good at keeping a secret (and if the other guy is out of the picture) then I think you can move forward and everyone can be happy. And no, I don’t think you’re “damaged” or any less of a human because you slept with another guy. The question is did you hurt anyone. If the answer is no, then you’re doing good.
PS I think you’re on to something with the idea that this crisis is just icing on the cake. As with a lot of us, there is no 1 reason why we’re here. But it doesn’t hurt to tackle your problems one at a time. If you can get past this, hit the next problem and the next. I wouldn’t know, but maybe there’s a bottom to this shitcake.
Well im in agreement with cyanide here, manogamy is a choice some people believe in, others dont. Personally I never got it myself. Sleeping with someone else dosnt automatically mean you love your partner any less, thats ludacrise. You dont feel guilt because you didnt really do anything. The only wrong thing I could see you doing is telling him. That would hurt him and is unnecessary. I dont really think you did anything wrong here… Just get checked for std’s or something.
Stupid sluts. I’m sorry, this is the first mean thing I’ve ever posted. But what kind of whore cheats on her fiance? A stupid whore. You better tell him you are a slut and hope he keeps you.
What the Hell??? How does a comment like that get approved and mine doesnt? Ur out of line @ifoundmeandyou.
I think most of us would rather know the truth than live a lie. Equally, what we don’t know can’t hurt us. I think he kindof has a right to know even if it means calling off the wedding. If I knew your birth date, I would see what your cards of destiny predict.
Ifoundmeandyou.
And this will be the first mean thing I say.
you didnt have to comment on my post you ungrateful little shit. I am fully AWARE of the whoreish thing I have done. So dont you dare throw it back at me. I come on this fucking forum looking for answers, someone to talk to, and sometimes just comfort, not to get fucking put down for the choices that I make.
@dom, but telling him helps you feel hetter for gettig it off your chest amd makes him feel like shit, how is that fare? I mean even if you think she did wrong, isnt the weight of that secret on her punishment enough?
There is such a thing as compassion. None of us is completely free of faults. Perhaps those who attack others should take the opportunity to look in the mirror and see what faults they possess personally.
@Worth: It’s probably a good idea to reach out for some guidance. The first sentence of your last paragraph lists some things that could help you if they are reduced. I’ve seen my share of dark days. Don’t let yours doom you. Things can get better.
I tried to delete it. I’m sorry I typed it. I probably wouldn’t say it like that to your face. But damn, you really can’t trust a fucking woman. It sickens me. I feel sick for that man. Rappers are right, women are just hoes to be fucked and passed around. You should not get married, EVER. Not in this day and digital age of facebook, twitter, and all the other bullshit. It’s just not safe. You better tell him though. You really need to, or I will find a way to let him know. I’m not fucking around, you have a week to fess up, or I will make sure he finds out.
The cake is a lie!
The most important thing a relationship should have is communication and trust. Do you trust your partner to understand why you did such a thing? Can you communicate your side of the story so it is understandable? Even if you don’t understand yourself why you did it, personally I think the best thing you can do is tell your side of the story. To confess something like this is a gesture that shows him that you trust his reaction and that you are open and ready to accept the consequences of your actions. Who knows, maybe this could strengthen your relationship if you present it in the right way. Good luck, congrats anyhow on the wedding 🙂
@ Procel
Marriage is a big commitment. It’s not really any of my business what people on this site do or don’t do. If I was him, I’d rather know so I can tale the appropriate action.
This is somebody’s life. The truth hurts sometimes but it also sets you free.
^you do realise this place is farely annonymous dont you?
@ ifoundmeandyou
Are you a girl; I thought you were?
LOL, that’s why you said you liked me?!?!?!? I’m a MAN!! 27 years old.
LOL… Gender-neutral names are always fun…
Ifoundmeandyou.
im guessing you got cheated on considering your hostility.
You also said you liked bracelets and baby rabbits.
Shit. Twice this has happened to me.
Anyway, no, it doesn’t change what I said before.
Duke… At least you pay attention to what people, write. lol
Hell yeah. Nail on the head. It goes deeper though, I’ve cheated. Hence the self-hatred and suicidal thoughts. So, I guess I really shouldn’t have blown up like that. I truly feel bad. I see the error in my thinking and words, and am fine with admitting them to everyone on here. I was a hypocrite when I used all those mean words. FUCK IT. Nothing is worth ending your life though, I promise.
Yeah, my cousin has stage 4 cancer, and she has a bunch of rabbits on her roof in NYC. So I took five of them back upstate with me last time I went down to see her. I felt bad for them, but they really like the nice fresh air up here. I gave all but 1 of them away. And yeah, I tie hemp bracelets. I have a hippy vibe too me, just not crazy dreadlock hair, and I take a shower everyday.
@ distant.road
I’ve been getting a lot of things wrong lately. This could have been a catastrophic error. Thankfully, the truth came out and I am now able to move on with my life.
Worth. I’m posting this song for you, not as insult, but it just came on, and I really think it is for you. It may be hard to listen to, but you should. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynMk2EwRi4Q
I’m not saying what you did was right. However, you need to forgive yourself and move on. If you are happy with this man then don’t hurt him by telling him you cheated. You did do something wrong but you weren’t married to him so I won’t say “it doesn’t count” but rather “it doesn’t count when it matters”. First, you need to discover why you cheated on him in the first place before you get married. You said you aren’t a cheater so this isn’t in your character. You need to determine if this was just a moment of stupidity and bad judgement or are there deeper unresolved issues with your relationship that you haven’t dealt with and that was your way of dealing with them? Trust and believe there are plenty of wives who cheat on husbands and before you are a “wife” cheating on a “husband” you need to do some refection and determine what were the causes behind it.
Either keep the secret FOREVER, or tell him /now/, and let him decide whether he can get past it.
The guilt will devour you. Your suicide would destroy him. Finding out years later would obliterate his trust, or worse.
“Ifoundmeandyou.
im guessing you got cheated on considering your hostility.”
Assuming this is an accurate guess: the display of hostility here, only adds to Worth’s fear, and exacerbates the dilemma.
Being cheated on, is an emasculating experience for most guys. It’s embarrassing, humiliating, infuriating… and i think it’s wrong to marry someone who doesn’t know you cheated on them.
@Worth: You fucked up. You can’t cheat on someone while participating in monogamy, and expect everything to be fine. I’m sure you realize, now, just how serious a mistake this might have been.
If you care about someone, do you come clean and let them make their choice? Or do you try to carry the burden of lying to them for the rest of their life “to protect them?” Or, would you really be lying to prevent /your/ loss, of this person… who you probably don’t deserve to keep?
Basing a relationship on dishonesty is a bad move. But, considering the fact that you already cheated… perhaps the two of you are not quite as compatible as you want to believe.
It’s quite a predicament you’ve put yourself into. Whatever path you choose, it won’t be easy. All i can suggest, would be to “do the right thing.” But it’s up to you, to decide what that is.
You need to just tell him it’s over. Tell him you can’t get married, and if he must know why, then you must tell him. That would be my suggestion.
I dont want to make excuses because i am really trying not to but the guy that I slept with approached me in a very depressing and confusing time of my life. I believe he knew that, because he does know me fairly well. :\
Ifoundmeandyou
yes I watched it lol
Thank you all for the advice.
i have alot to ponder over :\
That guy, is not your friend. IF he was, he would not fuck your life up just to get it in.
Please don’t hold that shit in for the rest of your life and go through with marrying him. I would hate for two people to have to go through that.
Another shit layer. Never ever sleep with your dealer :\ I now have to find a new hookup.
I’m really not trying to make this more than it has to be, and i don’t mean this to be offensive…
but “i was depressed and confused (and therefore “vulnerable”)” is not a good enough excuse for cheating. If you’re “with” someone, you’re With them. If you cheat, you’re cheating. We are all adults here (i’m assuming), and must be responsible for our own choices, and have some measure of self-control.
OTOH: “cheating” only matters during monogamy. If the other person believes you are exclusive, and intend to remain so, then, just like drunk driving, you have a responsibility to maintain control of yourself.
I will quote eminem: “what, she slipped, fell, landed on his dick?”
Sex is not an accident. It is a choice. Temptation is a *****.
Good luck in cultivating self-control, and making better choices in the future.
Trying to sabotage the marriage and keep from bringing a good man down?
I can’t quite get my head around the.. you feel no guilt and yet you write I cry for my partner because I know it would kill him if he knew. So you regret the pain you’ll cause and not the action? You’re doing a great job at beating yourself up for someone who feels no remorse. .
Other thing i wonder about is how you can be this tormented and your perfect man isn’t aware. Unless your tears aren’t literal..
If you want.. look into the future.. when he brings you roses just because he loves you.. will you be able to forget what you did? If you have kids? can you bury the past? Because it doesn’t sound like it right now.
At any rate.. people will do what they want. You will tell him or you won’t… and you won’t be breaking new ground regardless of the choice you make.. people make mistakes.
luck.
You are not a slut! You made a choice. if you are not sure DONT MARRY HIM. This is a huge deal. as someone who made the wrong choice and did marry a man I should not have my perspective is jaded. But please, this is your life and one day your child’s life.
However, do not tell him. Ever. It will just hurt him and really won’t make you feel better. That is how you make it up to him.
We learn from bad choices.
I know what you mean