I have lost all hope

I am a failure in all ways that matter to me i cant stay away from drugs and they no longer even numb my pain the one i love with all my heart is to afraid what it would mean to love me to be gay even tho he has said if he was he would marry me and has considered it…..he claims he cares and that i am a good man but he was raised to hate gays even tho he does not hate me??? yet his ex he hates and is always fighting with but uses for a booty call will spend a week here and i am left completely isolated and ignored as she uses lines like “what you a fag and fucking him” my greatest fear is loneliness and the week or more i feel like a stranger in my own home (these are also the only times my demons drive me to drugs but they are becoming so frequent idk if i could stop) and i have started mixing poisons and practicing hangman’s nooses…..my birthday is in 3 days and that is when i plan to do it just wanted to leave some record goodbye im to tired to live this existence