this is my story

I’m the kind of person who had a great childhood. I wasn’t abused or molested. My family loved me and even though I was kind of weird, I had friends. I was content with my life. But, then, in sixth grade, I discovered that I had a gluten intolerance. Then, everything went downhill.

I discovered self-harm as a seventh grader. I started scratching myself with paperclips. I thought it was normal because it seemed that that was how everyone else dealt with their problems. It was “cool.”

I don’t really remember eighth grade, but about halfway through my freshman year in high school, I got kicked out of honors English. I felt stupid. Like I had disappointed my parents. A failure. I started not only scratching myself, but cutting through my skin. I also remember that this was the year when I attempted suicide for the first time.

At the start of my sophomore year, I was still harming myself. I also discovered anorexia. I also met this guy… He seemed friendly at first, but then one day when we were alone hanging out, he raped me. Since then, all I see when I look into the mirror is a fat, ugly whore. I attempted three more times to take my own life.

My junior year, I gave up completely. I didn’t even believe in God anymore. I tried to kill myself another three times, but failed. I remember that when I told Will the day that I was going to poison myself, he freaked out and told my parents. I hated him for that because I got sent to the mental hospital in Indy over Christmas vacation. I wanted to kill myself even more. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, severe anxiety, and some sort of eating disorder.

Now, I know you’re all wondering how I survived through all of this. The answer is Jesus. No matter how much I failed or how many times I sinned, He forgave me. I am by no means perfect now. I still struggle with my eating disorder and my violent mood swings. I decided not to even touch anything sharp for at least six months. As a result, I am about a month clean from self-harm.