My kind of suicide isn’t suicide at all, as funny as that may sound.
The way I see it is that I don’t have to take my own life, life will take it for me. All I have to do is live. I mean, even if I get stricken with cancer I can be thankful I won’t live to an old age where I’m helpless, just get it over with. That’s worth the pain I think. I’ve seen an old friend die of cancer, in comparison to other ways one can go out, it didn’t seem that bad the way it hit him quick. And he was glad to go before he lost his mind.
A long time ago I decided that life wasnt worth living and I hated myself. I tried to kill myself but when that failed time after time, I just said “fuck it”, I was gonna live my life fast and hard till I finally broke or burned out. I stopped caring about everything, I mean..nothing mattered, not even the negative things. Nothing matters period. (The only thing that matters is temporary pleasure, contentment, and excitement..but even the duration of these things don’t matter) And it allows a bit of irony to create a pleasure perspective into my mind. I see things like a person watching over a group of children. Watching them play and fight and sometimes play-fight. Knowing that they still have so much to learn about in their lives. Knowing that their words and actions mean nothing, they are but chemical interactions playing out random cycles of life. Knowing that one day I will be gone and nothing I would have done or could do would matter at all.
So what do you do when nothing matters?
I don’t know what you would do, I just know what I did to make life more interesting.. Drugs!
Because when nothing matters, what does it matter what you do to your body? What does it matter if you have friends? What does it matter what people say? If nothing matters at all?
There is no point in depression if nothing matters! There is no sense in the absence of pain when nothin matters, so let the pain come. There is no reality of “time” when nothing matters, so drop the concept of age, death, beginning and end. What does it matter when the end will come? What good is the suicide method when nothing matters?
Existence is endless. Even if you escape this life there is no guarantee that you will escape to a “better” place or a place of nonexistence. But what does that matter anyways?
Loneliness is something we make up in our minds, i can assure you that it doesnt matter. right now you may be alone, but tomorrow you could end up being kidnapped, beaten and raped..only to be let go to live out your life in complete misery and fear. That loneliness is looking good right about now. The world is full of evil..evil people filled with hate and who do evil things to innocent people. People have tried to kill me, but I can honestly say that from this perspective, it just doesn’t matter. Nothing matters when you don’t care if you die. The only thing that matters is how much can I do and experience before this life is over? I just want the ultimate distraction.
Well, I hang around in this life for a reason. Those reasons might not be fully realized at the moment but it’s a much more stable ground than to assume life isn’t worth living for no reason at all. I have built a life, and although it may be taken away one day…that simply won’t matter in the end!
So I’m gonna try to have fun in this life! Because….FUCK IT!! 😉
What does it matter?