To say no one cares about me would be a lie. I know I am loved. I know that if I pulled something off that I would hurt a lot of people. I have many friends. I am in a leadership position in the military (not stating what branch). Yet I still constantly think about ending my own life. The thoughts probably come every 5 days or so. I just feel as if theres nothing for me or like I’m going nowhere. But this isnt something that just came about. It has been something led into.
When I was about 10, I became the victim of harsh bullying. My parents raised me pretty soft, so I wasnt much of a kid to stand up for himself. I spent all my life in school being called “gay” “fag” “******” “queer” ect. It got so bad I had to remove myself from boys athletics to avoid the immature hate. Now since youre wondering, no, I am not gay. Never had a gay thought in my head. But because of this I have VERY low self esteem and self-worth. I cant even talk to a girl because of the stuff I had shoved into my head by others all my life. I’ve heard it all, “you just have to get over it” “its just a phase” that kind of stuff. But its stayed with me (the suicidal thoughts). I’ve thought of overdosing but thats slow and might now work fast enough, ending with me in the hospital in a worse situation than Im in right now. I think Id use a bullet if anything.
Now youre probably going to talk about getting help. Well here in the military if you go to get help, it is very possible to get discharged. They would say its just a mental disorder and put me on some anti-depressants. Then I get to be known as crazy if anyone finds out. I refuse to live like that. Being removed from the military would just make me contemplate more. I dont know what Im going to do and I probably wont do anything, but its nice to let my feelings out on something like this.
Also, I HAVE attempted before. Does the military know this? Hell no and I refuse to let them find out. All I know is Im not crazy, I dont have a mental disorder, and I refuse to let anyone try to tell me I do.
Hope for the best, and hopes for the future.
2 comments
Being bullied does have an effect on people. I know, been there. However, as bad as it is, we grow older, but not “out of the damage”.
We grow older and realize it was wrong, it helps to realize that. It helps to be around mature people too, unlike when we are kids.
I agree about the military, and any stigma they have. Society as a whole does too. I tried to kill myself the night my wife left me. Am I crazy? no. I have no history of mental illness or acts like this, or even related. When I was admitted (baker acted as they cal it), there were 3 others in there at the same time for exactly the same thing I was. We are not nuts. You are not nuts. What you experienced was bad, really bad, you will never forget it, but it doesnt have to define your life.
All I can say is that if I am still here after all the hell I have gone through, and continue to go through, you can as well, believe me. I will pray for you. Seek some help at an outside source if you are afraid of the military finding out.
I’m a Private in the NZ Army, so I understand the stigma associated with reporting in confidence any suicidal thoughts or any mental condition proper.
To hear this coming from a serviceman in a leadership position, yes, it does worry me a bit. You know M3, right? (or a possible variation)
-Mission
-Men
-Me
I can’t detail a GSMECC for the mission, as I cannot properly define a “mission” in this instance. But you can think about your subordinates, who most definitely look up to you. I have no idea if you’re a Platoon Commander, Ship’s Captain or Flight Sergeant, you are a sworn serviceman with others who look to you for guidance.
Then, of course, there’s you. I’d say go see a Military Psych, but we both know that won’t work out. Do you have others you can confide in? I will say that keeping this to yourself is the last thing you should do, and by posting on this site, you have taken the first step in finding a way for’d.
From here, I wish you good health and post a SitRep if/when you can.
Thank you for your service to your country, most will never understand the sacrifices made in serving “the greater good”. Stand strong, stand fast, and do not only your country, but yourself proud.
Adapt & Overcome.