I need to vent

I want to live and die at the same time. It is so hard to have these two thoughts in my head at the same time because they are complete opposite things. I will imagine killing myself and how great it would be for me, and then I’ll remember that I have other people I have to consider. That if I would die my family would be devastated. That’s not me being vain, that’s me acknowledging that I do have people who love me. Death is seen as a tragedy, and if I killed myself I would knowingly and deliberately ruin people’s lives. That is a lot of guilt to be accountable for, but of course I would be dead therefore unable to feel guilt. Still, it doesn’t change the fact that I would be upsetting my family even though I just wouldn’t be around to see it.

I have to fight these urges, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult over time. Nothing is changing; I’m still depressed and having these suicidal thoughts. I just want it to stop, I’m so over it. One way or another this pain will end, it could go either way. I could come out on top and win this epic battle, or I could become just another casualty in the war which is depression. I just want a dramatic change; I can’t just wait and see if gets better. I need this to be over; I can’t live with this war inside my head. All these thoughts and feelings and urges are too much for me to handle, I’m not strong enough for this. What am I fighting for anyway? Definitely not for myself, I don’t want a future. I’m only here because of other people, which is pretty selfless of me. But one day I know I will become selfish and make the decision to take my own life. I think it will be soon. I can’t see myself still being here in a couple more weeks, I know that eventually something will switch inside my head and I will kill myself. I know how my mind works, there will be like a little switch that flicks on in my head where all the reasons to stay are replaced with all the reasons to go.

I don’t know how I feel about that. That switch hasn’t turned on yet so I can still see the reasons to live. I want to die so badly and then that guilt I feel stops me, but then I wish that switch would flick on already so I don’t feel that guilt. So I’m sort of scared of myself, I don’t trust myself to keep safe. I don’t know what to do anymore. Where do I go from here? I can’t keep living like this and I can’t die. What does that mean for me next? I have no idea what to do. Everyone keeps telling me to keep trying, keep going. I can’t anymore. I’ve reached a point where I just don’t give a fuck about getting out of bed and going to school and pretending to be happy. I can’t do it because I’ve done this for too long and I’m just so tired of living.

I need this depression out of my head. Mum thinks she can keep me safe but she can’t, and it’s not fair to put this sought of pressure on her. It’s hard to judge how bad I am, but I feel like this is my lowest. Mum probably will think it’s the medication, but it’s not. I think I feel worse because this has all built up and I’m tired of trying and pretending, and I’m sad that I haven’t died yet because I thought that by now I would have. My mind is a mess of thoughts that I can’t sought through. Writing them out helps because I can see the words in a physical form and be like, “Yep, this explains how I feel.” And then it’s like one less thought that I have to overanalyse in my head.