It is going to be over soon

I haven’t gone to college once for 2 months now nor done a single assignment, don’t know whether I’ll start practicing before exams, or if it is even possible for me to still pass this semester. It feels like I cannot control what I’m doing, like I was an observer outside my body watching what this forsaken fella ‘Me’ is doing. I don’t leave my place other than to get groceries or to go home and pretend I was happy with my life. Put a mask on, a fake smile on my face and act normal as far as it is still possible. Every day I get up, turn my computer on and start the daily routine of games, movies and other pointless diversions. Every moment I spend not thinking about how f*** up my life is, is a good moment. Better numb my mind than start crying again. I don’t know how long I can keep this up; when I fail the exams and lose my spot in college it will be too late anyways. I tried different things, even got professional help, but nothing seems to work. Every night I pray that god takes my life if he won’t help me in another way, but I can’t expect him to do everything for me, can I? I hope I die in an accident before I do it myself so my family won’t blame themselves. It isn’t their fault. It is like a vicious circle: The more I think about it the more I get stuck in this world of depression, fear and loneliness; the worse I’m feeling the more I start to trouble myself with everything. The worst thing about this isn’t even the fact that I live a worthless life, but that I can’t talk to anyone about it. It is not like I would want to burden others with my story, I don’t even expect anyone to present solutions to my problems. Just listening and holding my hand would be the greatest relief I could imagine and maybe even save my life. I know my life is already messed up and I will never be able to live like a normal person again. The only thing that is keeping me from going insane is the faint hope of finding something that is worth living for.

You know how you judge your life? You imagine how the world would be if you had never lived, if you would remove the memory of you in everyone’s mind. Would anyone’s life be worse or better? Of course your family will mourn if you die, but would their life’s be better or worse if you were never born, if they had never known you? I know it would hurt my family if I died, even more if I did it myself, but would their life’s actually be influenced by me disappearing? I don’t think so. That is what counts. The sorrow will fade away in time and their lives will go on without me.

Ironically there is one good thing about all this: I don’t fear death anymore, I welcome it!