Do you remember that feeling that everything is finally better? That you feel you have finally out ran the blade and all the pain? Tell me if you remember the day that you woke up and found that it was all a dream, that you never outran the blade or the pain or the scars? That’s how I’m feeling right now. I feel how all of my problems have been piled up so high that I can’t see anymore, that the weight is just too much. It feels like I can’t breath anymore, like my world is just crashing down all around me. I love my life, I truly do, but the things that are happening now, well, let’s just say that I didn’t fight to stay alive for what’s going on right now. I didn’t stop killing myself to just let my family kill me ever so slowly, I didn’t stay alive so that my father and my mother could screw me over with their false promises and words. All I’ve got is a year and a half, more than likely a year, until I get to leave. That may seem like nothing, but it’s all just another thousand years in Hell. True, I fought all the temptations to kill myself so that I could stay alive and live a nice, long, good life, but so far my life is shit. Every one tells me that I have to go through all the hard stuff to get to the good, but all I see is shit all over the place. I don’t want to stay in this pathetic world anymore if the best it’s got to offer is what I have now. No, it’s probably not worth it.
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4 comments
I can’t ever remember anything getting better. All living is is a slower death… and I’d rather get it over with than risk more of the same.
I know! It’s just that there’s something that’s holding me back, something that I can’t really pinpoint. I just don’t know what to do anymore, you know?
I’ve read some of your posts; I’m so sorry to hear about all of this. I’ve been in your position in a way too… Where suicide feels like your only way out and life feels like torture and days feel like Hell. I totally get it. I’m worried about you since this is your last post. Could you reply to me? I hope you’re okay… (I’m fifteen btw, and wanted to reach out to you and show you someone who cares. Because I definitely care.).
Hey, thanks so much for the comment. Even though this was my last post, I haven’t really considered suicide lately, but it’s still there like a shadow that will never leave and it’s kind of comforting (as weird as that sounds). I’m still having problems with my life, I haven’t quit cutting, but I have definitely grown up a lot. I’m sorry that you were worried, but I’m just so happy that you wanted to check up on me. Thanks for reading my posts, even though most of them are pretty depressing. This must be a hard life for you as it has been for many of us, but I am so grateful for your compassion; it’s been lacking in my life. But thank you, for this. It does mean a lot to know that there is someone who cares.