My Reason…My Choice

I hope that this story helps those in need, and if so it will mean so much to me!

I grew up my whole life with divorced parents from the age of 1. I had a everlasting struggle of going back and forth from parent to parent. All my life they disliked one another and would always fight. I’ve always had a close relationship with my mom. She had custody over me and my first memories were with her and Joe (who would soon become my step dad at the age of 3). I always had a hard time with my dad at times through the years and they progressively got worse as i got older and understood more. Finding out more about my parents marraige and the aftermath of their divorce.

Not all was bad between my father and I. We had things in common and i loved him very much dispite the circumstances I kept inside myself. But that was it. I began to relize by the age of 12 that our relationship was like a cycle. We would have a major fight and he would stay mad at me. And depending on the fight he would stay cold and silent from a few hours to months! And after everything was all settled and good our relationship would be great until anither big fight comes up and it starts all over again. One time in 5th grade we had a fight and he didn’t talk or visit for 6 months! He didnt become happy with me until i apologized to him in person and admitted that it was my  fault.

Things went downhill for me ever since that fight. I began to slowly and purposely become the part of me that my Dad approved off because any attitude i naturally had of my mother he didn’t like. He would say negative things about her and even when i told him to stop he never truly did. I became cocky, reckless, and not “too sensitive” around him and when i went back home to mom i could relax and be my self. Though it took me 1-2 days to switch back to myself until I could do it almost istantaneously. I always felt like i was living in two worlds. Not to mention I was always caught in the middle all my life!!!

My Dad didn’t like my eyes because they were my moms. He told me to wash the ‘Morrow’ (my moms side of the family) out of me! I began to feel depressed and uncared because he didnt appreciate everything about me. But I was good at masking my emotions and kept them in. I did so so that i could keep him happy and act like ‘his sweet girl’. Every visit i felt like I was walking on egg shells around him. I was scared when he got mad, he was unpredictable and very controlling. It was either his way or the highway. During these times i would tell Mom what happened and how i felt and she would always give me good advise to make me understand and recognize what my father was doing to get his way. It scared her because what he was doing to me was exactly what he did to my mom in their 5 year marriage. Exept for my mother it was worse because she was his wife and him his daughter so he’s more gentle towards me.

By the time I was 14 what drove me over the edge was that he didn’t accept my decisions. The ones that mean’t the most to me! The main one being Joe. I always thought of him as another fatherly figure all my life, but my Dad as usual would be distraught at me even mentioning Joe as my step-dad. I wanted to call Joe ‘Dad’, that didn’t mean that i love him more than my father. I tried to explain my reasons but my Dad would just shut me out and i would have to apologize to him again. As the result I was terrified to call Joe Dad because I was horrified that my Dad would find out. And i didnt want to losey father because I never if he found out he would throw our relatioship out the window!

During serious situations that got him all tied up he never says he’s sorry no matter how much i suffered, not even when he saw my pain, crying! He would make me put our relationship on my shoulders. Like it was my responsibility to keep our relationship as daughter and father. That tore me. Why would he do this?! His only child! Why would he treate like this if i was the only thing he had left…he didnt get along with his family much and was single. Generally he was alone in his house when i was gone. He was slowly losing me. And i was slowly digging deeper into depression.

As our ‘cycles’ became short but occurred more rapidly my mom advised that i go to counceling as i was shutting myself off from my mom and contantly stressed with my dad that i didnt know how to handle myself mentally. I agreed and told my dad i need to go to counceling. My dad was suddenly confused and wondering why i need to go to counceling, he began to suspect that it was because i was having issues at my Mom’s place. That it was my mom’s fault. And because of that he wasnt going to help find me a councelor because it wasnt his problem if it wasnt because of him that made me stressed.( even though he was the reason but i just couldnt say it). I was in disbelief! He wasnt going to help me get better.

January rolled in as i was planned to go to counseling on the first week of Feb. I still visited my Dad every week and we solved our issues by not dealing with them. It was uncomfortable everyday. Whenever he got mad I became cocky so i could deal with him. But on a Thursday night on the 21st of Jan. we got in another arguement about my mom. I balled when i ran to the bathroom. I couldnt keep my feelings in anymore. Through the month I had already though of suicide several times. I always thought, “if only i hadn’t of been born then Mom would not have to have dealt with Dad’s harrassments and cruelty for the past 14 years. If only i didnt exist then everything would have been good.” That night in the bathroom I decided that I was going to kill myself….I thought what would be the painless way.

Drowning.

Cutting.

I had never cut myself purposely before so I was a bit hesitate about that. I decided that I was going to lay down and  fall asleep in the bathtub while the water was running. I would drown but in my sleep. My dad didnt hold sleeping pills but i was already exhausted from all the crying that knew i would fall asleep.

Thoughts swirled in my head as I softly smiled:

My mom won’t have to deal with my Dad anymore. She’ll be free from all this madness if I do this. Joe will too. It’s because of me that they have to go through this because I’m the reason that my Mom and Dad still have deal with each other.

A small part of me wanted to do this because I too wanted to be rid from this suffering. It could all end. I prayed for God to forgive me for what I was about to do. I turned on the water into a warm soothing temp. and as i was doing that i thought of my friends. How they would be when they found out that there friend died because she commited suicide. And then I thought of my Mom, how she would feel…..it didnt bother me that much because I knew she was a strong woman, i knew she would move on. Though it caught me when i relized that if I did this everything that my Mom sacrificed for me would be all in vain. All those 14 years off taking care and protecting me, keeping me safe and sound. And giving me the support and the strong will to grow strong and to be ready to stand up to my father. All of it, trashed…..

I wanted to commit suicide for the safety of my Parents. For them to move on with a good and stressless life without me. But probably I would have made it worse because everything my family has done for me would be worth nothing if I was gone. I also had a 2 year old little brother waiting for his big sister to come home. This gave me the reason to stop what I was doing as I cried. I collapsed on the bathroom floor and turned off the water.

I may not have actually done the deed to commit suicide but I was close. And I’ll never forget telling my mother after finally going to counceling that Feburary.

“To be honest, if I didn’t go to counceling any sooner then I would have actually committed suicide.”

Now I am a cheerful 16 year old girl that is now enjoying life as a junior! If it wasn’t for counceling…my mother…then I would not be here today. I would have died right before my 15th Birthday…..but now I am stronger and will now have lived another 2 more years than what I probably would have not gained.

I am in your dept Mom! I love u!

Thank You for reading this Mini Story! Sorry if it was long but my life was very complicated and still is in a way. Ny Dad didn’t know of my attempt of suicide till another 10 months. After dealing with counceling with him all he had to say after weeks of sessions is,  “im just going to wait.” Sorry dude but your going to be waiting a long time. I’m sick of trying to act like the adult here! Now I haven’t seen him for almost a year. And I dont call him Dad anymore but by his name, Jerry. I call Joe my Dad now. Because he’s been more of a father to me then Jerry ever has!

I pray this story helped you tremendously! I just felt this story could not have been kept in if I could help those in need. Please think hard before u act. I understand what your going through and I will support you in every way I can!

Sincerely,

Kaitlyn