Post #1 of my journal

I can almost never yield an authentic and sincere response to my external stimuli when it involves people.  It’s because, even when I was little, I realized that the reason people engage others socially is for personal fulfillment and enjoyment, which is contingent upon the reactions or responses of the people they’re interacting with.  A lot of kids my age had no clue of this social construct and therefore were able to remain blissfully ignorant, allowing them the capacity to make authentic responses without the pressure or burden of knowledge.  I, however, always knew how people wanted me to react.  As a result, I was always somewhat anxious in socially oriented situations and often obsessed over the conclusions of each of my encounters.  It’s gotten to the point where, even in my alone time, I do not reveal my true self because I’m always imagining myself being observed by a nameless judgmental crowd; I can’t figure out if that’s more egocentric or paranoid of me.