There is an empty feeling that resides in my soul. I have searched every logical avenue to end this horrible feeling. I have been through hell and back, and as I look back the only reason I kept going was because I had meagre problems to overcome and each time I would succeed I would experience an acute sense of joy. I suffer from anxiety, depression paranoia you name it. Whether or not it was self inflicted from my history of drug abuse, traumatic events or my family history of mental illnesses or the potentiation of all of the above, this feeling is f*cked up. At the moment the parameters in my life are what appears to be acceptable. I use to be a heroin addict (post naltrexone implant) 20kg overweight and self loathing selfish fiend. I’ve been into ICU once, the doctor looked at me and was afraid that his own son could be suffering as I was and he would never know. I never really looked like your typical junkie, a somewhat fresh faced student. With all these flaws to overcome I kept believing that I would reach fulfilment. I am completely off opiates, lost 20kgs and had never looked more beautiful in my entire life. I saw a shrink for my problems and was dismissed as I no longer possessed “thought patterns” of a mentally ill person. So I’ve reached the peak of this dam mountain, then why does this empty fcked up feeling sit there. I envision a gun pointed at my head and the relief I feel as the trigger is released. I’ve done this for 12 years and now at 27 this death order in my thoughts is the only way I cope, that and some breathing techniques. I’ve thought about hanging myself, I’ve tried it but never really found anything high enough to extend myself from, that god awful feeling from all the blood bursting out of your eyeballs forces me to release the noose. I envy the dying, I mourn their loss and wonder if I could take their place. I am a raw sensitive individual, never meant to withstand the emotional climate cascading in  this life. Don’t give me solutions to my non-existent problems as the only problem left to destroy is me. I’ve always believed my death would come at an early age. How I envy those happy souls and wonder if they ever feel angry, sad, empty as I? or whether they ignore the emptiness so that it vanishes. There are so many not ready to go and what a deep injustice I feel that I am. I am petty, resentful, apathetic, jealous the epitome of everything our society rejects, I long for that suicide injection. I feel bad for the man who is madly in love with me. I have no intentions of passing my anguish onto unborn children and no intentions of suppressing these selfish thoughts. Suicide is a difficult act, living is a painfully tedious one -this existence is just one big f*cking mind game I could never really understand how to play.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
2 comments
Hmm . . . Hopefully, I’m not gonna suggest to you petty ideas or philosophy’s , but bear in mind your addictions may include a romantic inclination toward your own suffering and destruction, trust these tendancys no more than any other, they are as heartless if not more so in regard of your own well being as much as everything else you consciously despise or are jealous of. Reaching the summit of course, never happens, don’t seek the summit, seek little but anonymous security and peace. Death is nothing, union with the void – is not an ‘experience’ or relief provider, when we wish to be in that state or dead, were failing to recognise the ‘not being’ and therefore it can offer no relief from existence, as one cannot ‘experience’ anything in death including relief from life. Sounds to me that your having some anxiety finally over having moved on, and your old psychological patterns your abandoning ate fighting back and trying to undermine you, as part of your psyche regardless of being free from physical addiction, is trying to revert to old patterns, for people who are use to drama , it might be wise to have some activitys in life that have some non addictive adrenaline in them, if you can manage it.
Are you a counsellor/therapist? I would like to thank you firstly for your interpretation, when I feel nothingness I haven’t the strength to pluck my mindset out and see it from third person. I don’t think anyone, be it the closest person to me would be able to break it down like that. I would like to apply your advice “some activities in life that have some non-addictive adrenaline in them†what do you suggest? I am so empty and find it hard to flick myself out of this state. “Reaching the summit of course, never happens, don’t seek the summit; seek little but anonymous security and peace.†This insight has inspired me into another approach. What do you mean by anonymous security? Peace, I’ve always longed for and when I feel that I can’t obtain it, that death would be the only similar option.