I am generally a pretty happy person. But when I am sad, I realize that my whole life feels like it is just full of sadness and pain. I wonder to myself…is that really the way my life is going to be forever? I look back and all I can think is that I am always unhappy. I go around and I generally do a pretty good job of putting a smile on my face and creating an idea in my head that I am happy. But I feel that there is always pain surrounding me. Its terrible, some days I think most days I dont notice it. But then there are days like today and the passed couple days where i just feel as though things would be so much simpler if i never had to worry or never had to care about tomorrow or the pain that I feel. I want to die because I hate the feelings that I have inside of me. I dont know what I should do, or how to cope. And then i think about how many people I have known that have died and how terrible it is, and I cry and I hear other cry. Then I think about all the people that love me and how terrible it would be to her them cry over the news of my death. But I need some way out. I dont know what I want…which is the worst feeling.
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You’re a bit contradictory to yourself in your post.
e.g. “I am generally a pretty happy person.” followed by “…I am always unhappy.”
I’ve definitely been there. I too have had that sudden realisation of the pain that exists in my life come without the slightest warning. The main thing right now is that you shouldn’t fool yourself into believing that it’s always going to be like this. Once you become more finely tuned to all of the negative emotions you feel, you’re going to start losing that spark. To put it in better terms, you will become more aware of the pain and will probably start ignoring any happiness in your life.
“…things would be so much simpler if i never had to worry or never had to care about tomorrow…” You said it! Stop worrying and just enjoy now. Lull yourself into being happy if you have to. I guess it’s all about that “half glass-full” concept. If you can, be happy.. otherwise don’t dwell on the negative because you’ll just ruin it for yourself so enjoy it. Otherwise, if you do have a reason to be unhappy, just solve it without dwelling on how you feel too much..
Bottom line is, enjoy everything while you still can. “I want to die because I hate the feelings that I have inside of me.” is the wrong sort of attitude you should have and will NOT get you out.
Take each day with open arms and cherish it – both the good and bad.