It doesn’t seem like anything has gotten better

I tried to kill myself about a month and a half ago. As a result, I was forced on a medical leave from my school, had to go back home where my parents make my condition a lot worse, and forced to speak to what feels like an endless amount of therapists and psychiatrists that neither know what they’re doing or care about me. I was promised a second chance after it happened, that I would get help, in my mind I thought maybe if I finally talked to my friends and family about it, things would get better. Instead, I’ve spiraled, I feel more hopeless than ever, and things I used to be able to put in the back of my mind are the only things important to me.

Everyone seems to just think I’m crazy, but no one seems to have said anything that would make me consider wanting to live for the rest of my life. No one seems to be able to give me a good answer for what’s their reason for living or what they think the purpose of life is. My psychiatrist just told me to stop thinking about it because that’s what’s making you depressed and not-so-subtly hinted I, as a firm, lifelong atheist, would be happier if I just accepted God into my life.   I tried talking to my therapist about what bothers me, but all she seems to be able to do is listen and nod, and I don’t want to just be listened to, I want a real discussion. But I can’t even talk to my friends about it because I know I would just make them depressed too if I started really telling them what bothered me.

Even the less philosophically related, down to earth things bother me. I used to really want to go into law because I really had a passion for justice, and I wanted to one day go into politics so I could hopefully change something for the better. Now I’m thinking of just going to neuroscience instead so at least all I have to really deal with are facts and not moral ambiguity and I still get to help make the world a better place by advancing science. But it doesn’t erase how I feel about the world. I can’t handle how few people don’t seem to care about helping people around them, how downright shitty other people can be, how much negligence goes on, and how no one seems to even understand why this bothers me so much.

And I used to just deal with it. I’ve been dealing with all of this since I was 12, and now I’m 19. And I haven’t stopped wanting to kill myself those entire 7 years; I honestly have no idea how I’ve managed this long. And I’m just so tired of how I feel and how as someone who used to work 20 hour days at school, at work, and then volunteering now can’t pull up the energy to leave my house or want to see my friends because honestly, all of this just seems so meaningless and tiring. All of my medications seem to have just drained more energy out of me, or just had ridiculous side effects. I just want for once in my life for happiness to come easily and not be the everyday monumental struggle it has been ever since I felt like I was actually thinking for myself.