I want to talk about is the feeling that I have been getting lately because I need to get it out of my head and take some of the pressure that is building off my brain. I have been getting that numb feeling back that’s causing me to get the cutting thoughts coming back and they’re hard to fight off. When you work with blades everyday and I have those thoughts it’s hard not to take that knife into the bathroom and just let it happen. I’ve even started seeing it in my head watching the blood going down my arms and feeling that light-headed feeling and knowing that when my eyes close that they won’t open again. I have been waking up in panic and I know that is why. People just thinks it’s just all this hormonal stuff but I know what it is and I will never doubt that. They may have had depression but no ones feeling towards it are the same. Sometimes after the panic I feel sad like I really wished it had been real and that I was going to be gone from the world forever. It’s almost like I’m wanting to lose the last of my control so that no matter what happens is what is meant to be, whether I live or die from my lose of control. Because either why the feeling will be gone from me and I can move on. I sound so nuts right now and I’m glad no one close to me is seeing this part of me.
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Hi, Kieylee102… Welcome back. It’s been a little while. I’m sorry things are rough at the moment. You’re not nuts… and I can only imagine how difficult it is to work with knives each day. It has to be a struggle. Have you thought about connecting with someone who might be able to help you. You have a good awareness of your feelings and the challenges… which is half the battle sometimes. Now it seems to be a matter of getting to the bottom of what is stressing you, how you can work with it, and what you can do to feel safe at work. It is possible to move on… It’s just a matter of finding the path to do so.
You need to always have hope that it will get better. You’re fighting these urges with all your might and that’s great. If you keep doing that it will get easier and the urges will grow weaker and eventually subside. Stay strong. Don’t allow yourself to fuel to urges by self harming. You have what it takes to withstand and you need to keep doing so. Nothing lasts forever. The urges will subside. And as distant.road mentioned it would be good to find someone who you can talk to. Don’t ever think that you have face these battles alone. You need to find someone who can pick you up when you fall and keep you moving forward.