They are disgusting. They have a need to feel superior to one another, in looks or friends or personality. They stole all my hard work away. I will lose everything because of them.
I live with three other girls. I’m okay with one of them, it does annoy me when she is slow or in my way. But other wise she’s fine. My issue is with the other two.
I’ve known one of them since, 2nd grade or something. We’ve been best friends for a super long time. But i have never shown her my weakness. I have never shown her my true side. I just show her the sides that fit the moment. I thought those parts of me were actually me, but I am not so sure anymore. It is hard for me to figure out who I am and how I want to be when I’ve worn a mask for changing how I feel and act for different people. It helps me fit in and make nice friends. But it makes me unable to remember who I am.
My best friend ditched me. It was my fault (it can’t be anyone else’s). When I was going through major issues, I was pushing everyone away. I push the people who I don’t want to show my weakness away. It is something I do and have no awareness of until it is too late. And then it becomes always too late. Â But i am resentful. I pushed her away and she runs away to go submit herself to some selfish ***** (my other roommate). Seeing my old and never again best friend be a gross, clicky, passive, pathetic person makes me want to avoid her like a PLAGUE.
I used to be that person. but then i’m working hard to fix it. thats why it’s gross to me. If I met other people who are like her, i wouldn’t care about it. But since its my old best friend, I consider her DISGUSTING.
Just like me.
There is the other roommates. she is an intruder. I had come to a new place with the other two girls and I trusted them enough to tell them how much I want to kill myself. (I haven’t told them thankfully. the time never arose) But then this ***** asked me if she could join my group to live with us because we went to the same church. At church, she’s is this (not so smart), pretty popular friendly girl so I didn’t give a crap. I let her talk to my friends and we all moved in together. biggest mistake of my life.
She stole my friends. she stole the place where I worked so hard to change and rediscover myself. She stole my church. she made me lose my identity I worked so hard to find. Â She caused me to try and commit suicide. Now i’m on meds and going to live in my car and stay with friends in multiple apartments. I’ve lost my home.
I find her so inadequate and annoying. She has to dominate one of the roommates and will “please” the other one. So they will both obey her and do what she wants. She does this to the other church people too. I’ve seen and heard them.
I was so sick of her disgusting voice and moronic personality. She only sees the world from her point of view and thinks its the only correct view out of everyone in the world. Everyone else who cannot formulate words to combat her on the spot loses to her and they lose all self-contentment. but that ***** just thinks that she is right because no one can say anything back to her. She is far from right, and the people (like me) are just not good at talking. particularly on the spot. She uses nice things she does for people against them in order for her to feel like she deserves everyone’s pity and love. Even though they have done WAY FUCKING MORE for her.
I find her to be my most hated person. She’s so moronic that she expects everyone to tell her what is wrong. she reallly thinks i will rely on her or talk to her so she can feel better about herself and save her reputation our church. MY PARENTS DON’T EVEN FUCKING KNOW HOW MUCH I WANT TO DRIVE A KNIFE INTO MY HEART. THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH I STRUGGLE OR STRIVE FOR THINGS. WHY THE FUCKING HELL WOULD I EVER TELL THAT ***** ABOUT ANYTIHNG ANYMORE? she uses it against me.
Taking away my church is the worst thing that can happen to me. I’ve worked hard to join the community. Don’t get me wrong, these are the type of people who can talk about their mean sides and accept others when they talk about mistakes. Everyone there can understand how human we all are, and it leads them into not being an asshole about faith. Everyone there doesn’t use your personality or mistakes against you, they understand and relate to you. I like my church community but I am such a weakling that I often put up a fake side of me in order to defend myself and keep my reputation for being reliable so I would have friends and stand out. But i’m defending myself from myself. I put up a not-so-problematic filled life so I can listen to others and be comforted with them. That is how I fit in. But it isolates me.
I isolate myself.
I cannot understand who I want to be or how I want to act. It makes me push people away. It makes me run to meds and dark places where i can can curl up in the corner. Weakling.
I got out of my severe depression in my later years of high school. When I came to a new city for college, my life continued to be what I wanted. yes, I made mistakes and suffered, but it wasn’t my depression or major sadness. just sadness that led me into working on solving my problems.
But it all ended when that ***** came. she brings out my disgusting side and points it out so she can take people from me and make herself happy. i hid from my disgusting side so i can find release from my self-inflicted chains. As i said, she stole my friends, my friends that helped me escape from my binding chains. I’ve lost my home. My home is not a physical place, its with people who I can be with. and she stole that.
My old best friend is a complete ***** and cold. I’m glad to have gotten rid of her. The girl who ruined my life continues to haunt me. She will forever haunt me. I cannot return to my church in my home town for I know, if i go there and her influence is there (and it will be because she is friends with people), I will definitely kill myself. Like I said, taking away my church family is one of the worst things someone can ever do to me.
My real issue is with myself. I feel so guilty. Its all my fault and will always be my fault. I like to say, it takes two people to ruin any type of relationship. but it really just takes one. I’ll never be able to change or find myself. I’ll always push everyone away so I can come back and be the reliable person I have to be. There is no other use for me. If I am unreliable, I am useless and will be pushed aside. In the words of the *****, “(my name) are so inconsiderate. I can’t live like this anymore.”
I’m so inconsiderate because I have to isolate myself in order not to kill myself. It doesn’t matter how I live. it just matters how everyone else lives. I do not come back to my apartment. I starve because I can’t go out and get my food. I suffocate in my room and get extremely dehydrated. I do not relax at the one place that is suppose to be my safe zone. I suffer from the clicky community I don’t want to join that is my apartment. The bonds of friendship they have is something I dont want to have with them, but it hurts to watch others be happy while i suffer from my soul. Not their fault, its only mine.
I caused this. I am unable to figure out who I am or how I want to act or feel. I push people away because I’ve had enough ridicule. it lead me into wanting to jumping in front of many cars. It can do it again. I hate myself. I hate who I am and everything about me. it doesn’t matter that people tell me that i’m not a terrible person. I believe i’m the worst person in the world for hurting people. I don’t deserve to have a life. to have happiness. I don’t deserve anything. My attempts at changing myself so I can stop hurting others and be happy with who I am are useless. I am one of the worst people in the world and there is nothing that can be done about that. There is plenty of proof around supporting that opinion. All there is for me is death now. And out of all my enemies, the only person who wants my death the most is me.
I am unable to be forgiven. And that kills me the most.