Whats Underneath?

I feel so alone.

I know im not though, im surrounded by friends, a thing many people wish for and want.

But i feel so dead inside, I don’t feel happy underneath that grin. I act like a joking clown and don’t take many things seriously. In return, when i am serious, they don’t take regard of it and over look it as one of my jokes. I’ve tried telling them that i hurt, that im sad and pitiful and it makes me hate myself because i don’t deserve pity but, once again, they brush it off and walk away. I act like a hero when i know im a horrible person. I look at myself and try to figure out how many diseases and disorders i could diagnose myself with, just so i can show it to the world and say “I’m not okay”.  I’m just the person they look to when their sad or feeling down, im the one who brings them up, shine them up on a throne built to the skies. When im the one feeling sad or down, they all turn away, because she’s just joking right? Acting like she always does right?She’s always grinning, always joking. Never frowning or crying or dull. She says she’s okay when we ask her, she wipes away the tears in her eyes and grins, making a joke to brush it off. They forget that she was just in pain, just in sorrow and agony and grief. Because why would, She, the person who can make anyone laugh in .5 seconds flat be sad?

After all, she’s the person who makes everyone laugh.

She can’t feel sadness right?

Right?

“Can They Hear Me?”