This Life I Hate

Do you remember those summer childhood moments spent carefree and happy, when you were filled with hope for your bright future?  I do.  I look back, and think, where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong to make it get this bad? I also remember a childhood gone wrong – a childhood of sadness wishing it would all just go away.  I remember a young me, not too long ago, wanting it all to end.  And that’s still the me today.  I’ve always felt like I were on the outside looking in.  I’ve always felt somehow different – as if there were something setting me apart.  And I don’t have it in me to get over anything.  My pains simply fade only to come back and reignite later on.  I can’t deal with much before I fall apart completely.  Yet, everything seems to go wrong all at once and everyone seems to attack me at the same time.  I cannot handle it.

In November 2008, at the age of 14, I did not want to live one more day on this earth.  On the 8th of that month, the day after the Presidential election, I took two handfuls of prescription pills in an attempt to end my life.  I woke up the following morning and immediately threw up the pills.  I then went to school messed up from side effects, disappointed that my attempt had failed me.  School was horrible.  I was merely a loner, and I was constantly picked on by everybody and anybody.  I was depressed.  I wasn’t happy.  I wasn’t me.

Everything got better when I fell in love two years later.  Those were the happiest 2+ years of my life.  But she ended up hurting me more than words can say, more than I ever knew she could.  And she’s hurt me much worse than that over the next year or so after our resulting friendship collapsed and failed.  Her father’s words hurt me so deep.  She mentioned how I’d threatened suicide in the past, and he sounded completely disgusted by me.  He threatened me with many things, things I didn’t deserve to hear.

At the age of 20, I am completely alone.  I’m unhappy with my body, I’m unhappy with my looks.  I take everyone’s opinions of me and hold them as my own.  I feel worthless, unlovable.  I’m constantly in pain, physically and emotionally.  I’m too sensitive.  I’m too weak.  My freshman health teacher was right in the end – Nobody likes me.

I’ve been through too much pain in my life.  All I can think is – Why go on?  It’s never gotten better.  It’s only gotten worse.  My life is a constant down spiral and it’s never gotten better.  I see no hope.  There is no point going on like this.  I just want peace.  I’m too goodhearted in a world with nothing to give me but hatred and resentment.  God, why can’t you just let me die in peace?  I don’t want to go another minute, another second, like this.  I wasn’t meant to die old, married and happy.  I’m meant to die young.  The good die young.  Please have mercy on me.