Baby steps are still steps

Getting better is a long journey. I woke up and the first thing I told myself is that I wouldn’t die today. I decided to set daily goals. Small things, baby steps.

I’m scared, I feel like if anyone got close they could actually smell the sadness emanating from my pores. I’m anxious and insecure. But I will fight this. I will not let my emotions take control over me.

I went for my weekly doctor’s yesterday as I mentioned in my previous post   http://suicideproject.org/2014/02/anywhere-but-not-there/. She was very weary of letting me stay home as I had put myself in a partial suspension hanging twice in the previous 24 hours. As I said, I don’t want to go back to the hospital. But if I stay in this same vicious circle, not taking concrete actions for myself aside from seeking professional help, I will always end up back in the hospital and one day it won’t be the psych ward, it’ll be the morgue.

Professional help is a good start to get better, it helps you understand what you’re going through. If you solely rely on it, there is chance it won’t be very effective. You have to rely on yourself and your motivation.

Opening my front door is a challenge, getting out of bed is a challenge, taking a shower is a challenge, energy is no where to be seen. But that spark inside of me isn’t dead. And at this particular time I might not have much to fuel it, but I’ll put it all in, and if I keep my head up and keep sight of my goals, that flame has a chance to grow. This is kind of a good day. I know the bad ones will come back, but I’m leaving a trace of a good day out there so I can go back and remember.

Prior to my doctor’s appointment I made a very big step yesterday. I truly opened myself up to a friend. I had tried talking to him before, but always felt his responses were meh and didn’t think he meant it when he said he was there to talk. Truth is, I had never opened the door, I had simply left it ajar, had edited myself and not revealed anything of importance, said words that were vacant of emotions just to say them, just to make myself believe I was talking.

I cried. For hours. While opening myself and revealing these emotions of which I’m so ashamed. And it felt awful. I hated what I had to say. But I realized he wasn’t the one judging me, I was. I was judging myself and being repulsed of my self and that’s why revealing myself to others is so hard. Not because of them. Because of me. If I felt like no one cared it’s because I didn’t truly give them the opportunity to care. People care. My friend cares. I care.

Just the fact that I care makes me feel much less alone. The fact that even just one of the people around me cares makes me feel loved. I am cared for and I am loved. And I’m the only one who can take that feeling away from me. Yes, some people have abandoned me. It doesn’t matter. They can’t take away that person who cares. They can’t make myself not care. Only I can.

So today I will shower. Today I will make my bed. Today I will empty and fill the dishwasher. Today… I will not take a cab to do my errands. Today I will take the subway and not let my anxiety or my insecurities take a hold of my mind. People don’t know I feel insecure unless I let it show. Today I will not let it show.

Yesterday this would have been the soundtrack to my day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeAyTPZfsWk

Today, this is my soundtrack: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HM04bKL4oq4