Feeling Confident..

all my life I have been the freak, the weird one, the one nobody wanted to be friends with. people would look at me and laugh, call me ugly make me feel uselss. fat ugly weird scary whore slut emo, were only some of the names….

grade 2 was when it started. I never realy knew what it was, and I thought it was all a joke, I dident really care, cuz hey I was young. grade 4 was when it hit me, this is bullying. I never wanted to tell anyone because I was scared it would make it worse. the names that I was called being repeted day after day, school became a nightmare. I was scared to go to school, “mom I don’t feel well can I stay home?” I would always ask, cuz I was scared what they would do next to me..

grade 5 I found a way to get the pain away. I started cutting myself… I dident know the dangers. day after day going home, smiling on the outside but on the inside I was screaming, I was dyeing. I hated myself. then the cuts started getting deeper, I started cutting words into myself. I would hide away in my room and cry, holding my stomach so the screams would not come out. I was just so done! I was going into grade 6 and I hate my first attempt, I wanted to be done. I dident want to face the bullies, I was scared more then I ever was before. I tried, but failed. I was so mad at myself I really wanted to go.

. one day we were sitting in class and I head somebody wisper in my ear “your fat”.. that’s not the worst part, when they said that to me we were learing about Bulimia… fighting back the tears, as if I was ok. I ate my lunch and then went to the wasroom, I started crying and sat in a stall, that’s were it all went wrong. everyday, I would eat go to the washroom, it actually became a habbit…. I was scared of myself and I was out of my mind, the worst part was I dident even know who I was anymore… the summer after grade 6 so before grade 7, I got out of the habbit, but I stopped eating, me and my mom would sit at the table, she would finish and I would kinda poke around at my food and eat small amounts, always after dinner she left for a smoke, I would hide my food, and say I finished… I kept doing that, till she found out. I was still struggling with cutting and now that, I was scared!! I dident tell anyone. I thought I was ok…

grade 7, I had the worst day at school and I thought it was the end, I came home and took advil with codeine, I thought I was going to die, everything was a blur. I could feel my head rushing, not wanting to tell anyone. later that night I had went off to bed, I sprung out of bed and ran to the bathroom, I was off school for a week with what everyone thought was “the flu”. I dident want to say the truth so I went along. clearly I dident die, because im wrighting this. my mother had went threw my room when I was in grade 7 and had found drugs smokes and alcohol. I was a mess. she then had asked to go threw my purse. I hesitated and went down to my room to grab it, forgetting I had suicide notes in there… she went threw it and took me to the hospital, I was there for a week, then got let out. I was ok for  a few months. then life all fell apart again I started cutting again, still starving. I lied to everyone again and said I was fine when I was really a mess….

during that time I had decided to come out with me being bisexual. worst mistake ever. that gave people something to make fun of me about. it hurt actually a lot. during the summer before I went into grade 8 people were asking if I still thought I was, and I would say nope, because of the fear of being judged again, I was hiding myself  again. then finally I got to a new school in grade 8. everything was perfect. till I was hurt again, I was cutting again and suicide was on my mind. I was back in the hospital for about 2 weeks, that’s when everything got pieced together, I was diagnosed with a Mood Dis-regulation. later on I was put on anti depressants. I feel so much better.

im happy the attempts I have had never actually killed me, cuz now everything is better for me, I feel better. I don’t scare myself anymore! im finally better. I don’t feel ashamed of my scars anymore, I use to be but im not anymore, because you know what those were battles I was put to and I made it out, so im damn right proud. people know about my bisexuality, and I dident lose any friends, if anything I got more. I should have never been scared.

keep smiling 😀