When your 15 and thinking about death everyday, as a release in life , the probability that you will live long seems to get slimmer by the day. The only things holding me here seem to be fear and family, but I think these things will disappear with time. However, having read what people post here I feel like a cowardly little thing who doesn’t have a clue what she’s on about. Â But after coming home everyday and feeling like the good no longer cancels out the bad in my life everything seems pointless. The only problem is that my depression has me gagged and bound into being unable to talk about anything to anyone, and being unable to kill myself. I can only compare it to a torturous limbo, where I’m waiting to see if I fall off the deep end or make it through…
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4 comments
You should be getting help from a counsellor or psychiatrist. It’s too late for us. We’re old and past our best.
@caillte
I feel you, the only thing keeping me here is family too. Life can be cruel. I’ve been feeling like this since I was about your age and 10 yrs later it’s still the same. Although my problem solving skills have evolved but so did my problems.
It takes a lot of courage and will to make it through the day. I’m not exactly sure what your situation is, but if you can some how find a way to get outta your own head from time to time it helps. I hope things get better and since you are so young i hope you at least give life a chance.
Why do you feel cowardly ? What’s the yardstick against which you’re measuring
yourself ? Unless you’re being gratuitously cruel to others, you deserve no suffering: the issue is how to alleviate your suffering. But the starting point is to know that you don’t deserve whatever suffering you’re going through. Your age is in your favor (take this from someone much older than you are). You are becoming an adult, which is a very difficult process, especially in a society (I’m assuming you’re from some western/non-tribal society) which hasn’t developed the appropriate structures to transition adolescents from childhood into adulthood. What I meant by your age is in your favor, is that most adolescent problems resolve themselves through time: obviously, I don’t know the particulars of your case, but the normal coming-of-age problems (which while seeming quite severe to those who are experiencing them) eventually work themselves out without one even noticing.
@caillte
For a 15 year old, you are incredibly articulate and intuitive. Many of the feelings and realities that you are aware of simply get by most adults, let alone someone your age. And I know much of what you have grasped is painful. Life is painful and having some of the “indigo” sensitivities and awareness you have can be a gift but can also be a bit of a curse sometimes. I think you could find some validation and support among others with highly intuitive and empathic abilities and find ways to benefit yourself and others with your gift. Please don’t think I am blowing some kind of “psychic smoke” at you. I am, and have known others that are highly intuitive and empathic and it can be difficult to deal with but also a tremendous blessing. Above all, love and accept yourself and if you can hold on to that the rest will fall into place. There are many incredible things you can accomplish for yourself and for others – just please believe that.