My Story

Well this is my story.

I’ve always had depression since I can remember. I never thought I had a chance at a regular life… I’ve had a pretty rough childhood and teenage life. It all started when I was 5. Something terrible happened to me and it changed me in so many ways. I’ve never been the same ever since.. I’ve been rapped multiple times and I’ve was beat growing up by my step father and when I was 14 I found out I was pregnant and my sons father always hit on me, choked me, and controlled me in every way possible. We stayed together for 2 years. He told me that I was ugly and fat and that I’ll never be able to get with anyone else. At that time I barely weighed 120 pounds.., but I believed him and to this day I still believe in ugly. Seeing my mother in all of her abusive relationships I believed that maybe one day it’ll get better but it never did… it got to the point where he started choking me in front of my lil man and that’s when I finally said I had enough. I got thru it but I was still scared of men and felt hopeless.. I let my son see his dad and I didn’t get to see him for almost a year.. I was a mess.. I got hooked up on pills bad and I started drinking.. I was rapped also in that time and I started cutting bad. It covered my whole arm. I felt so alone cause no one believed me, not even my own mom. I was only 16 at that time. She say there and watched me waste away and didn’t do anything to help..  I overdosed on pills many times but I always ended up surviving. I kept cutting more and more. The more pills I took the better I thought I felt. I didn’t see myself changing but everyone else did. I couldn’t stand the sight of myself.. I barely ever slept and I didn’t eat. I lost more and more weight and I didn’t care. I didn’t think anyone in the world cared about me. I felt like everyone would be better off without me. My mom only cared about the guys she talked to so I felt like I lost her and I soon realized I did.  I was on my own and I didn’t give a shit about anything. All I wanted was the pain to go away. The pills and me cutting was all that I thought helped. I’d black out and not realize how I got to the place I woke up at but I didn’t care. So when I was 17 I met someone that helped me. He got me off the pills he was there for me when I had withdraws. I ended up getting my son back and I was happy. But it didn’t last. We was together on and off for 2 years and he meant the world to me. We fought alot, mainly everyday. Then we ended up breaking up and it was never the same. He got my best friend pregnant but I stayed by his side. He used me cause he knew I would do anything for him. But he never wanted me..  he always ended up hurting me. He told me how bad of a mother I was and I believed him cause I couldn’t provide for my son with me being underage. I still continued to cut and I ended up cutting deeper each time. I cried all the time but I thought it was worth it. Now I’m almost 20 with a beautiful lil girl in the way with someone who trys his best to help me out but I still shut him out. Its been 7 months since I last cut myself. I finally got over my ex and moved on. All tho I still feel worthless and I still have urges to cut myself I try to think of my baby’s and what they would do without me and it helps. I write every time I feel the urge to cut or I get depressed and its helped alot. This is my survival story and I’m thankful to be here today and I’m thankful everyday I’m here. With me being on drugs so long, it made me have seizures that I gotta take medicine for,  for the rest of my life. I know it’s my fault and I put up with it. I’m just glad to be here.