I knew didn’t I? In the moments before I had that first, tiny, dreadful thought, I’m sure I knew. The idea wouldn’t cross my mind and then never come back. That’s not how it works. It’s like when you’re searching for the answer in a trivia game, you get stuck on one thing you know is wrong, but you can’t think past it.
That first thought. The whisperings of death drawing me closer with every incident. I’ve come to accept that even if I make it through this, even if I survive the next 10, 20, 30 years, I might not make it further because I’ve already had the thought. I can’t help but be suspicious that even if I were to live through what’s happening now, that later something worse will happen. And even if I were to make it through that too, something would come that was worse yet. I realised that, that very first thought is the poison. It slowly makes it’s way to your brain and stows away, so even if you make it through the bad and get to bask in the good, it will always be there waiting. Waiting patiently for the moment something happens and triggers another downward spiral. And this, even more so than what pain I’m living through now, compels me to commit.
And the worst part is, I know it’s impossible for it to “get better” for me. Even if everything went well for the next 10, or 20 years, I’d slowly get used to it and smaller things would set me off. I’d start cutting after minor disagreements, crying after being refused small favors. The only feasible way for me to fully “get better” is to control everything that happens and erase any chance of things going wrong, but of course, when other people are involved that’s impossible.
Thing is, once you think of suicide as a solution, even if you deny it there and then, even if you immediately after think it’s a terrible selfish thing to do, you’ve already had the thought. And maybe it won’t affect you today, or tomorrow, next week or next month, it’s only waiting for something to happen so it can lunge at you while you’re battered and bruised. And as much as I hate it, I suppose that’s just the nature of the disease.
2 comments
I’m 20 now, but I’ve been having those same thoughts since I was a young kid in elementary school. They have never gone away. My life has been small moments of joy with a lot of downward spirals… but that’s what keeps it interesting.. waiting for it to get better, gradually. I know there will be more downward spirals in my future. but looking back, those brief moments of happiness seem worth it. Don’t throw it all away just yet.
Madgwamenza,
once you seriously dwell on suicide as a solution, it sticks in your brain, waiting for the right moment to pop out again, life is ups and downs, the older you get the harder it gets, all that shit is filed in your brain, some grow numb of it, some think that’s the last straw, but really we are built to fight for survival, it’s when we realize that surviving isn’t really what are goal is any longer we take the next step. it’s a game if your tried of playing you want to quit.