I´m 16,diagnosed with major depression,been depressed and suicidal for over a year now,I recently got out of a mental hospital,I was put there for suicide risk,it was one hell for me,I hated every single second I spent there,I were there for a little over 3 months,every second of it I spent faking my smile and telling lies about my mood and suicide thoughts, just to get out of there,it was really hard for me,I never want to go there anymore. So now that i´m finally out of the mental hospital,I have to keep this fake smile on my face constantly and act like everything is ok when it´s not,I have literally nobody to talk to anymore without risking my freedom,to top this my girlfriend of 5 months dumbed me earlier today,because we didn´t see eachother that often because we live quite far away from eachother,I tried everything I could to see her as often as possible,but everytime I asked if she could see me,she had something else to do,like hobbys,schoolwork,or she has to see her friends,I never whined bout that,last friday on valentines day she called me and she sounded just ok and I thought everything was ok between us,but today she just randomly texted me that she wants to break up,the problem is that i´m still in love with her,I miss her so much. I were seriously depressed and suicidal before we broke up too,but now i´m even more depressed and suicidal,I just wanna give up,life is too hard to go on anymore,I have no friends at all,now i´m alone for good. I don´t have anything to do in my spare time,I have no social life at all now,I feel so alone. I just don´t want to life anymore.
Sorry for my bad english and for a hard to understand text,I´m not good on this kind of stuff.
11 comments
One question.
When you went to the mental hospital, why did you lie about your conditions and fake happiness and well being. I understand you hated the place, and im pretty sure, being your age you wanted the comfots of home. But why did you not take the help you were granted and so privledged to recieve? If you know your suicidal and depressed, why didnt you take the course of action to change and learn about roots of your depression and learn to cope and counter it.
Do you truly want to die?
As for your girlfriend, I am sorry. Im sorry your hurt, your world is upside down, and your best friend is gone. Will you move from her? Likely yes but never fully. With each relationship we leave alittle bit of ourselves behind but we learn new things. Its hard, I understand, but its a sad reality of life. Some people just move on and fall out of love. Maybe you were not her biggest priority seeing she put her friends first despite the fact your relationship suffered distance.
Its unfair. You didnt expect it. She broke your heart and its ok to hurt.
As time moves on you might find it was for the best. Both of you will grow and become different people then what you remebered.
I know, in your mind you may think im wrong, you think you may never move on and she was the love of your life. I dont doubt that, its ok and I respect that. Just give yourself some time. Your mourning and in grief for the loss of someone close to you. You may feel you cant move on, but your still breathing right?
Its going to be hard. Life is never easy. But it can get better or bearable.
You have to see that. I cant tell you. Only you can.
Please, I stress give yourself sometime. Your stressed and its going to be a roller coaster of emotions. If you lack support, understand I am here to listen and help.
Take care.
As an answer to your first question:
The place and the ppl there were just too much for me,I were even more suicidal there than at my home,I spent every second of my time awake considering suicide and trying to decide between life and death,the place is just not for me,the help there was excacly same as in my psychologist visits before the mental hospital,the psychologist visits has not helped me at all in my option.
As an answer to your second question,I´m not sure do I truly want to die or not,i´m trying to decide between life and death,I do not know yet if I truly want to die,life just seems to be too hard and too much of pain for me.
Thats understandable. Maybe the hospital was more detrimental to you and more or less worsen your suicidal ideations. If that were the case then it was a good choice to leave.
How have the psychologist visits not helpful? Did they lack understanding and just not to involved? What kind of advice did they recommend?
Whats making you not fully commit to death?
Life is hard theres no doubt about that, and there will always be pain. But there still is a way to balance it. There still is good and pleasure in life. It appears there is too much pain for the resources and coping skills you posses and the overwhelming burden is cause a tear in your seams.
Psychologist visits was only Talking about problems and depression,talking about my problems has never really helped me for some reason,I just were not able to talk to the psychologist fully honest because I were already scared that she puts me to the mental Hospital,which later on happened.
I seem to be Happy sometimes,really seldom thought and not for long. School is giving me pressure,i’m Lonely and I hate myself,these are the reasons why im considering death.
I understand that my Life is not that hard as someone else’s life but most of life is pain anyways,so is it really worth it,I’m not sure.
Tiredguy ,
your 16! lord have mercy! you have a lot of more girl friends to go though, this is a part of life you must accept, sure things will get better and they will get worse, life isn’t perfect and never will be, get over it, sounds harsh but it’s the truth. don’t let it get to you.
Did the psychologist offer any ways to cope or deal with your depression?
Its sad, and all to common to see people talking to a professional with the idea that they cannot speak to much or must hide alot of thier true feelings out fear they will placed, against their will into a psych ward. Its like they are quick to label you, lock you and prescribe a pill without really listening.
I know school can be pressuring, especially in time where one is seeking their identity and place in society. Is it grades or just your place among peers thats giving you pressure?
Theres no need to compare if your life is easier to someone elses. What matters is how you feel and just becuase someone may have it harder doesnt mean your pain is not real nor should you feel life is not hard.
But we should never turn a blind eye to anothers situation. We should always look at theirs and be apprecitive of the things we have and they dont.
Is life worth living? Well you born correct? And you were given the ability to have choices? So that is a choice you have to make. But always remember you do have the ability to make a choice.
Yes,You are right,I Can’t never be fully honest to a psychologist or a doctor bout what goes on in my mind.
It’s the grades and loneliness in the school,nobody really likes me there,everybody thinks I’m wierd or something. Just can’t decide what to do.
Do you have any other means of support?
Its pretty common for kids who are “different” to be socially outcasted. Im pretty sure you suffer some forms of bullying or social rejection becuase you are not quite cookie cuttered like the rest of the brainless twats. I know it sucks being lonely and not having someone truly there, but question again if you were to be accepted by these kids, would you honeslty think there the kind of people you want in life? Do you think you can trust them with you inner most secrets and feelings? Or will you have to maintain a superficial pose just to fit in and be someone your not, and supress the real you. Theres nothing wrong with being different. Embrace it. Be who you are and never supress it. The people who accept you for that are the one worthwhile in your life. The ones who reject are assboles and so not deserve your friendship.
Its sucks being alone, but maybe your looking for friends and love in all the wrong places?
As for your grades just try and pass the classes. Dont be to hung up on hetting straight A’s. Do enough so you can get into a college and what not because in the end noone really cares if you were a straight A student, they just want to see your degrees or know you completed the coursework. If you need to seek help from teachers and get into afterschool tutoring.
I’ve been bullied for 6 years,at the start of this school year I changed school to this hospital school,I don’t get bullied here but I don’t certainly make any friends here,they just don’t like me.
No,I do not have any other support to my problems,I were able to talk to my ex gf,but now that the relationship is over,that is gone.
Have you talked to your parents?
No I have not talked to my parents as I’m afraid that they send me back to the mental hospital,I have a psychologist meeting next monday,don’t know if I can keep my fake smile on during that meeting,don’t know what should I say to her either.