Here We Go Again

I’ve been through this before. I thought I was done feeling like this. When I was in sixth grade, I stayed up late to slit my wrists as soon as I heard my parents’ bedroom door close. I cried myself to sleep each and every night. I had a boyfriend and I knew he loved me. Or as close as love got in sixth grade. He was going through the same thing. Except he had and addiction to drugs. Whenever he cut,  I would Too. I wanted to feel his pain. Maybe I thought it would cut his pain in half. I don’t know.

I continued to cut through seventh grade. I attempted suicide 14 times. Things were looking bad. I knew I wouldn’t make it very long like this.

Then the summer of my seventh grade year, my mother decided to take me to a big water park. I wasn’t careful enough. She saw my cuts. She kept asking why and I didn’t know how to tell her that I had a friend who had died from depression. I refuse to say she killed herself. It wasnt her fault. It was depression’s fault.

Anyway, my mother told me that if I made any more cuts, I would be thrown into therapy. I don’t need therapy. I need a friend who will listen. Not a stranger who will pretend to understand.

I lost many of my friends. Not because they killed themselves but because I became so distant. They gave up on me. I almost did too.

My crush’s girlfriend (who is also one of my good friends) recently broke up with him. He has a history of cutting and he’s trying so hard not to cut right now. I’ve been trying to help but how can I help him if I can’t really help myself.

He needed me the other night. He texted me. I fell asleep. He was going to kill himself and I wasn’t there to tell him no. Thank god he didn’t but what if? I’ve already failed one person. How could I live with myself if two people died because of me? I hate myself. And no matter how many people ask me not to, I will cut.

im going into high school this year. People say freshman year is the worst. Maybe it’ll get bad enough that I’ll end it finally.