I was reading this book called the Van Gogh Blues. Â It’s all about how creative people suffer with depression because of a meaning complex, and it freaked me out because I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety for years, and I always figured that one day when I create something it will dissipate. Â If creating can’t bring me meaning, then what can?
Everything in my life seems so fucked, which is ridiculous because so much of it is petty or will be unimportant in six months. Â Sometimes I just feel like there’s no point and I’m such a bad person and I should die, but at the same time I know I could never actually do it; even if I attempted there would be a part of me making sure I only ended up in the hospital. Â My psychiatrist put me on Prozac, which I think helps except every time my dosage is upped I have new suicidal urges for around two weeks. Â I only started a little over a month ago, so I just got upped from 20 to 30 mg and it’s definitely made me more irrational.
Current things making me anxious: I just found a quiz I was meant to be making up in my bag (I have no idea how the fuck it got there and there’s no way my teacher will believe me–even if she does she won’t let me make it up now), which means my quarter grade for German is fucked; I want to be friends with this group of people/have a social life but I’m too scared to talk to anybody; I have this research paper due at the end of the year that I’ve done nothing for so far–like no thesis or topic or anything and we were meant to have done notecards three months ago… see, really petty things about school.  And at the same time my brain wants to kill me, screaming at me to off myself and that I’m bad and everyone would be happier without me; and then another half of it is going No Stop This Is Irrational!  I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me and why I’m so stupid and anxious about everything… and how I can still not want to die when 24/7 I’m telling myself I should be gone.  How did I split down the middle?  How come there are these two sides to me, the rational one and the one rocking on the floor and screaming and keeping me in bed all day listening to the rain when I should be… enjoying things…?
2 comments
You are split because you aren’t completely sure you want to go, which is why you can attempt but never get all the way through with it. For some, creating causes the blues because no one appreciates it. For us, our depression causes us to create. Each time something happens, your mind and heart try to release it. Creating is the best option right now. (Not on body with blood). And school is just a temporary pest. Ask your teacher about the quiz, ask your teacher for good thesis and topic ideas (my report is due Friday. I haven’t done ANYTHING). I know how you feel. I have to stop short, only cause the bus is coming and if I get caught on here, my parents’ll FREAK. Remember, you are an Angel of Darkness, waiting to see a light.
Ya, what shadowknite said…. And holy crap this is a kid waiting for the school bus? Are you kidding me? That’s amazing. He/She speaks like she’s got a PhD in psych. When i was that age I had no idea about anything…I was dumber than a door knob and I haven’t improved much. Hmm…listen to shadowknite Alxwx