Just need to let someone know

Came across this forum while researching things related to suicide and the reasoning behind it. I’ve had a good life, and I’m still young with lots of potential but things seem to just keep piling on, the puzzle pieces never quite fitting together. Last night I had it in my mind that it was the night I was going to see what was on the other side because whether it’s better or worse it should at least be different. The one sad thought I have is that I always wanted my death to count for something, to either give my life for someone else or at least die in a way that leaves organs undamaged for others to use, but I also don’t want to be stopped or have it look like a blatant suicide. I know my family and friends won’t be able to rationalize my decision the way I have, and I wish there was some way to let them know that this isn’t their fault because I do care for them, or at least, I want them to be able to accept my death as an accident and move on. I still have a good amount of time before it’s night out here where I live(part of that whole not wanting to be stopped thing) if anyone wants to talk for awhile feel free to comment and I’ll respond.

As far as the specifics of why…I do believe in reincarnation as part of my reasoning for this is I felt I’ve lived too many lives and my very soul is starting to grow weary from the effort of having to put on a show and pretend like I have actual feelings. It feels like I’ve been only getting a few hours of sleep a night for thousands of years, and all I want to do is sleep until I’m recovered. I’d like to think that should I have to face judgement for my action, that the deity holding my fate has the same capacity for forgiveness that I do. You see, I don’t hate the world, I don’t hate individual people, in fact I actually feel sorry for most of the average population. I understand why the world works the way it does, and that’s alright. I just don’t belong here, I’m not wired right, something within me prevents me from functioning in society, and every attempt I’ve had at getting help has failed to keep me “normal” for more than a few months. At times it feels like there is a hole inside of me that cannot be filled no matter what I do. Books, games, lovers, family, friends…All are just temporary relief from that feeling of nothingness that creeps in as soon as they go away. It’s not their fault, they all tried in their own ways to make my life better, but I never let them inside, never could figure out how. The funny thing is I’ve been telling people I’m crazy and there’s something wrong with me for years.

Another part of it is I feel like I’m dangerous to those around me, like I’m one wrong word away from just lashing out, and I’ve noticed the frequency of my outbursts and homicidal thoughts increasing to the point that there are certain people I can’t even look at without thinking of all the various ways I could end their life. This may be a little digressive, but I’ve also noticed that for how much “society” claims to love life and freedom, people don’t think about their own survival or what they would do if faced with an attack. Most people haven’t even entertained the thought that the clerk that’s helping them with their phone could at any moment decide to end their lives with little they could do about it. Those are the kinds of thoughts, especially combined with that void of emotion, that scare me the most.

I guess all I want is for someone, somewhere to know…And if my family should somehow read this after I’m gone…Well, I want to say I’m sorry but I’d be lying because I don’t really feel shame for this. In the unlikely event that someone related to me reads this, if you guys don’t want to have my stuff you can sell it or donate it, but I’d prefer donations, though you’ll want to keep my external hard drive (there’s enough movies and tv shows on it to get you through anything).

Edit: I dunno why but I feel like admitting that my favorite movie is Frozen. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it.