to be or not to be that is the question

i am a blur of emotions. panic, dread, nervous, angry, and some fuck the world and everyone in it added for good measure. i have come to a fork in the road of sorts. i have come to a point where i have been on just about every med out there. currently taking 6 total. and since i am still topside i guess they are working to a degree. thinking about hypnosis . there seems to be something deep in my memory that is trickling out at a rather slow pace. whatever it is or is not i am scared. i remember being sexually aware at a very young age. and that sex was shameful. not that i knew what sex was exactly . i won’t bore you all with the woe is me crap. i have suffered from depression basically all my life. tried suicide several times. been to the nut hut 3 times. all my previous suicide attempts were more drama than substance. this time feels different. i am thinking about practical things like insurance policies, retirement accounts, getting debts paid off. i have a plan of course. haven’t acquired the means just yet. but that is a simple project. the more i see myself drifting away the more likely suicide becomes. my shrink has threatened to 5150 me. for those who don’t know what that is here is the deal. it is a law that states that if i am an immediate da nger to myself or others law enforcement can send me to the nut hut for 72 hours until an assessment has been done. i am willing to guess that every state has something similiar on their books. be warned that if a court decides that you are going involuntarily your insurance company might not pay. that is enough nuts and bolts for now. the reality is that i have an active death wish.  and when that time comes there will be no heroics, no panicked phone calls, it will just be me ‘shuffling off this mortal coil”. goodbye for now.