darkness

it amazes me how easy it is to fall back into the darkness. one minute i am cruising a long comfortably numb and the next i am making plans to die. i have been crying like someone is turning on a switch. my desire to be alone is strong. from where i am right now i see myself cutting the ties that keep me alive. maybe cutting isn’t the right word. maybe fading away is more accurate. i don’t share the chaos that is going on in my head with anyone. same old shit just different day.  the paranoia i feel when i am out somewhere is new. i don’t feel safe, like i am doing something wrong and will be punished for it. i haven’t yet gone and made a purchase. but i think about it all the time. i can’t continue to live like this. i am a loser, a nobody . and i don’t know where to go from here. if anything my depression is deepening.  it is during these times i have the fuck everybody i am out of here attitude. while i don’t have a specific time or place in mind i will be surprised if i make it the rest of the year.  what is it that i have done to deserve this?