Hello there,
I am approaching 40 yo and am looking for reasons why to live still. I find it difficult to be with people, and that includes anyone, including my parents with whom I have recently (2months) moved home with.
I have a long simple yet complicated story but will share to see if anyone can relate or perhaps offer any words of wisdom.
The story starts I guess about 12 years ago, when living with someguys, whom after a while I found not being able to contribute to stories etc, so would politely excuse myself from their presence, ie go outside for a smoke, say i’m going to the shop etc etc…..
Didn’t think anything of it at the time, nor did they, however know that know it is linked to my feelings and how I conduct my life. After leaving them I moved in with some other people, a guy and girl, whom were more active, which I desired, like biking, climbing, surfing, snowboarding etc etc…
Thought this would change my lifestyle and personality and to a degree did, hence then working in a ski/snow shop to “create” and new me as such….
I worked here for a while – 2 years or so….. soon after leaving to travel overseas where I have spent the last 10 years approx,predominantly in that industry as well as working as a cook…..
Sounds long-winded???
Well, fast forward to the last 5 years where I worked on a yacht as a chef for a family, the relationship with them excellent, however constantly putting aside my personal life focusing on my professional needs.
The long and the short of it now……. I was studying recently in Paris, living on my own and got to the point that basically I cannot mix with people without lots of effort…. I needed to fly home to Australia to my parents where I have now been for the last 7 weeks.
I was depressed and went to the doctor on arrival home, have been given some medicine which definitely relieved some inner feelings, yet know I feel in complete avoidance of life in general.
Most recently, I have been to psychologists, psychiatrists, and a councilor of some NLP methodology, however think that despite some practices may have a positive effect, ultimately I am avoiding everyone.
Ultimately, I feel like an observer to life…… watching on, can’t leave the house due to human interaction, evryone I see, I look too deeply into and want what they have, and always prepare what I will say to anyone I meet.
I went to a friends the other day to try and see if I could live with him, a great supportive environment and a friend of 35 years!! but after 2 days, escaped to come back to my parents….
They know I have been depressed however think that it is getting better slowly bit by bit, but I am not so sure…
I don’t socialize, have never had a girl friend, and have tried so many different types of work/lifestyle in the hope for bettering my life, but to end up here alone, with no outlook.
Initially I thought it was the pressure of the course I had taken recently, however know in my mind, that there is a lot more too it.
I live in a great country, have had many great friends both here and overseas and have an amazing family, yet I don’t (through no wish from me….) want to be with anyone, as I don’t know what to say, and my mind has taken over and every little thing I do, I am aware of myself.
I honestly do NOT feel a part of society yet an onlooker.
Every morning I awake at 3am, get up have a smoke, and almost tremble at the fear of facing someone, anyone……. That is why I am back at home as, by early morning I force myself up to go for a walk, yet the first person I see, I freak out……
I can only find peace, when I am sitting downstairs, alone with no interaction.
It is super scary as I know that every interaction, something as simple as going out to check the mail, is a huge effort, through fear of having to speak to someone.
Recently, I saw some old photos of me, when I was between 3 and 15, and was sad to see such a nice little boy now so afraid of life. This sounds extreme, however I hate this existence, and want to be normal again, but have to deal with what I have set up over the past.
Now I am looking to find some happiness in possibly working on a farm with vegetables and fruits to try and get to the core again…..
Life feels like a real effort and as much as everyone advises, don’t compare, it is hard not too as whenever I do something, naturally you see people.
I am not suicidal, but do fear getting up in the morning through having to deal with it all again.
Not sure where all YOU readers are from, but I am in Queensland, Australia, so if anyone can offer some real advice or assistance I would love to hear it.
Thanks
5 comments
Sorry about the errors. I fudge finger using a tablet, and navigating the comment window with a long reply can be precarious.
I don’t have any answers for you. I also struggle with people and when it comes to making a choice between a social situation or being alone, I choose being alone. I accept it and just like it better than forcing myself to be with people. This is why i sit here typing into a box to some one I will never meet in person.
Although, I have a friend who is the complete opposite. Light, sparkly, fun to be around, people just want to hang out and be around her. I am using her as a coach, so to speak and she doesn’t even know I’m studying her. I study the way conversation just easily and naturally rolls off her tongue. The way she lights up a room just by walking in. Her body language is open and inviting. Fun lady. There’s always a ton of people calling her or wanting her to come over. I find when I’m with her I pick up her mannerisms. I find myself wanting to talk with people. It’s like osmosis and I become a people person even for just a couple hours.
PS, If you find a people person to hang out with be careful because they are addicting to us anti social types. They are chatty with everyone, including us. It’s the way they are. So, it’s hard not to want to be around them ALL THE TIME. I learned my lesson and only hang with this person every couple weeks or so.
At first glance it sounds like social anxiety and other general anxiety where your mind is just racing when it shouldn’t be. That’s what leads to feeling like an observer and not a participant in life. Other people are actually “in” their lives, if they’re out going to the store they are actually thinking about going to the store and they ARE that person going to the store. With anxiety, we may look like we are doing normal things, but we are somewhere locked away in a back room in our minds thinking a million thoughts. We feel like an observer because we are so far removed from what we’re actually doing. We might be grabbing something off the store shelf but inside we are thinking about the possibility that somebody is going to approach and try to speak to us, hoping that nobody comes around the corner and starts browsing the same aisle as you, hoping you can just make it home without having to speak much to anyone aside from the cashier.
Unfortunately I have never liked the sound of medications for depression/anxiety and I will probably never want to try one, so I don’t know if they can really help or not. It sounds like maybe it might help if you start looking at yourself as “anxious” instead of “depressed” and see if you can find any help for that, instead of anti-depressants. See if there is something more specially aimed at anxiety, to calm your mind.
Maybe the medications can work. Have you ever drank enough alcohol to feel all your cares suddenly disappear? I know I have. If there’s a medicine out there that can shut down that same type of obsessive thinking, then maybe it can work.
Some things can probably never be medicated. If you don’t feel like a part of society, that’s just how you feel. And that’s not a bad thing considering this society is mostly crazy. I know it’s painful to feel like you are existing outside of the world that everyone else is in, but would you REALLY want to be part of it? It’s kind of like feeling bad that you weren’t invited to a party even though you know it’s full of people who you don’t like and you probably wouldn’t be having fun in there anyway. Don’t worry about being a part of society, but maybe you could at least get closer to feeling like you are a part of your own life, if you felt like looking into possible anxiety treatment.
I will probably never try to cure myself. I have a weird love/hate relationship with the “observer” feeling. I just wouldn’t feel like myself if my brain didn’t work like this. It’s painful, it’s exhausting, but somehow I feel it’s just how I’m meant to be. I’ll always be a deep thinker with a million thoughts going on at once and a fear of dealing with other people. Maybe it’s just my illness talking, maybe it doesn’t want me to try to get better.
Social anxiety is really just shame. Embarrassment. But the important part is whether or not you have any real reason to feel ashamed. If there is something realistic that you don’t like about yourself that you don’t want other people to notice, maybe it’s worth trying to change that. But most people imagine things to be ashamed of. Everyone else gets to walk around on this planet like they own the place, but with social anxiety we feel somehow less deserving. It’s okay for everyone else to be out in the cars or going to the store or going out to eat with friends. We feel like we’re being rude for stepping out in the world, like we should have just stayed home so we don’t get in anyone else’s way. I suspect things happen in early childhood that start us down this path. I know I grew up in a family where my voice/opinion didn’t really matter so I guess I developed this entire belief about the world that I’m not worth much and I should just keep myself at home like some outcast.
Sorry you are hurting. It’s scary to know that other people struggle with this because I walk around with the small belief that maybe some day this will all get better. But it’s likely that I will continue to grow older and it’ll never get better, maybe worse. It won’t be long before I probably have to move back in with some family because I’m too lonely sitting here alone and can’t afford it much longer.
For some reason, my first extended comment is stuck in moderation for a day