I want to end it, but I always balk at the last moment…

I’ve been suicidal since the age of 14. I’m now 36. I’ve spent 22 years fighting the pain daily, trying to tell myself to just get through the next day, looking towards the future, grasping at any tiny thread of hope. But the depression is always there. I haven’t fulfilled my potential in life – I was a straight A student, socially adept with many friends, good-looking, and liked by most people. I could have done anything I’d wanted to with my life.

I feel that what I want is always just within reach, but then the monster of depression will latch on to my mind, and pull me back into the abyss. Now I feel as if I have nothing. I’m in an unfulfilling dead-end job which pays the bills. I’m in a long-term relationship with somebody who is completely domineering, and who emotionally abuses me. As I get older, the depression intensifies.

Why is it then, that whenever I come close to dying, I pull back? When I was a teenager, I cut my wrists a number of times, and had to be taken to the hospital. The last time I did it was the deepest, but I still couldn’t get to the artery. I remember slicing at my wrist with the razor blade over and over again, digging into the same wound, desperately trying to cut through to the artery. But it eventually began to hurt too much, and there was blood all over the place, and the smell became overwhelming. I gave up, staggered home, and went to bed. My mother saw me later that evening, and we went to the hospital. Even today my wrist still hurts when I touch it.

Over the past few years I’ve tried the helium method using Balloon Time Cylinders and flow regulators from Exit International. I’ve purchased two flow regulators from their website over the past few years. The first time I ended up throwing it all away before even trying.

The second time I came very close to succeeding.

I remember the world rushing away as I took the first couple of breaths of helium. The gas was cool against my face. It felt quite pleasant. Muttering to myself in that high-pitched voice was eerie, ethereal, symbolic of the transformation from physicality to energy that I was about to undertake.

My entire vision became shrouded in blackness, aside from a disc of light in the distance. That disc of light was my room. It was like I was looking at reality through the wrong side of a doorway peephole. Then I heard the voices, all around me. It was like I was in a busy restaurant, surrounded by people, but their words were indistinct. It was a just a babble.

Time began to lose meaning. I could feel myself slipping further away. Thoughts of my life rushed through my mind. My dreams, my friends, things I haven’t done that I would never get to do. Things I have done that I would never get to experience again. Didn’t I want to have dinner overlooking the Trocadero at the Eiffel Tower again? Didn’t I want one more chance to see that wild animals of Africa? Didn’t I want the chance to find real love, to have the chance to have a fulfilling emotional and physical relationship with somebody who values me, who won’t neglect me or abuse me? At that moment I forgot all about my pain and turmoil.

I knew if I took one more breath I would pass out. Nobody would be home for hours, and I was sure if I passed out, then I would be dead within minutes. At that moment I tore the bag off my head. The light of the world rushed back to greet me – almost slapping me, laughing at me, telling me that I’d failed. I crumpled to the floor, sobbing. I’d failed. The old pain flooded back, and I regretted not going through with the suicide.

I spent the rest of the day with the biggest headache I’ve had in my life.

I no longer have access to my flow regulator. I threw it away. Exit International charges a ridiculous price for their regulators – $200 excluding taxes. It makes me wonder about their motivations. A subscription to their book is $85, which I also find unreasonable.

More recently I’ve been experimenting with hanging, specifically semi-suspension hanging, which I was only made aware of last month in light of the recent L’Wren suicide.

Today, to test it, I tied a soft fabric dressing gown belt around the handle of my bedroom door. I then tied the belt around my neck. On my knees, I leant forward, and applied the pressure to my neck. I was surprised to find that the pain was minimal. I could still breathe, although I could feel myself beginning to lose consciousness due to the pressure on my carotid artery. I began to see stars, and my vision and senses began to waver. The pressure in my eyes began to build up, and I realized that if I continued for another minute, then I’d pass out. Given that it was only an experiment, I stopped, and untied the belt from my neck. I looked into the mirror, and my face was beetroot red, and I had a red mark around my neck where the belt had applied its pressure.

I think if I don’t want to pay $200 for another helium flow regulator, then I will use the hanging method to leave this disappointing world. Book a really nice hotel room. Get drunk, smoke some pot, take some mescaline all at once, and then just do it. The question is, will I be able to?

I’d like to hear any of your experiences with these methods. I’d also like to hear from anybody who has tried but failed to go through with it, not because of the pain or fear, but because of that last shred of hope in your mind that lingers just before the point of passing out. And the regret you might feel the very moment you return, because the old pain is back.

I am not interested in hearing from people who want to offer a kind word telling me to get help, or dissuading me from going through with suicide. In particular, I don’t want to hear religious people telling me to turn to god, or people spreading disinformation. You aren’t welcome here.

I have been to over a dozen therapists in my life. I’ve tried antidepressants. I’ve tried monoamine oxidase inhibitors. I’ve even tried psychedelic drugs, which research shows has a therapeutic effect against depression. I’ve tried positive self talk. I’ve tried keeping myself occupied, exercise, going out, friendship, and a host of other things, so please don’t make any suggestions as to how I might help myself get out of this mindframe.