I’m not sure exactly where I would fall on the spectrum of suicidality. I have a plan. I am in the process of obtaining the means. But even once I have them, I’m not sure I’ll go through with it. I want to have the option.
I’m sad, but it’s due to having to face this decision. Given the choice I’d rather live, but after 20 years of intractable pain with no promise of a cure or even treatment, I realize that this can’t go on much longer.
I have a rare and exquisitely vicious form of OCD. My mind reacts to every small mistake I make (getting a wrong answer, saying something dumb or socially inappropriate) as if I had just committed an unforgivable crime. Think about the sheer number of small errors that you make in any given day. Now imagine that each one of those were something truly horrible.
Let’s say that I cause an awkward silence in a conversation. I’ll have flashbacks of that. I’ll be unable to stop thinking of it. And with each flashback comes a wave of guilt so excruciating as to be physically painful. I can’t breathe. I can’t see. I can only remember that I deserve to die for what I’ve done. This happens hundreds of times per day. I recall mistakes from yesterday & mistakes from ten years ago. All the time. I can’t eat, sleep, shower, shit, read, brush my teeth, or anything else without being interrupted over and over by these horrifying images.
I know that it’s irrational, but you can’t reason with OCD. The knowledge that my thoughts are absurd does not diminish their horror in the slightest.
Most OCD is treatable. Mine, unfortunately, is not. I’ve tried all of the available therapies and was turned down for a ketamine trial so I am out of options. Suicide for me is not a “permanent solution to a temporary problem.” I’ve lived with OCD for 20 years and will continue to suffer from it as long as I remain alive. It is a factual statement that the only end to my suffering is death.
I so much wish there were another way.
5 comments
I was very close to someone with OCD similar to the type you have. Sadly it’s the reason we’re not close anymore. I can understand what you mean by not being able to reason with OCD and I also know how bad it can wreck you.
I’m so sorry you have to live with it, I hate that illness more than anything and I wish so much that someday there will be a cure for all types, or at least an incredibly successful way to treat it. I hope that you never go through with suicide and that you someday find a way to treat it. I know the suffering can be too much though, way too much.
*hugs*
Sorry if this sounds offensive or ends up not helping at all since I can’t say I know much about what your going through but I’ll say it anyway just in case it does help you in any way.
Have you ever tried to balance out the tiny mistakes you notice by over exageratting your tiny succeses? For example when you get up in the morning celebrate the fact that you woke up instead of sleeping in even later. Literally call out “heck yes I got up and out of bed today!” Or even “I got muself dressed!” A simple pat on the back for anything positive you do. It sounds kind of stupid but since it’s supposed to be “mind over matter” doesn’t it make sense to try to make your tiny little accomplishments as big of a deal as your mistakes seem? It’s just a thought, you might think its childish or too much effort but if you actually try it for a day or two, who knows? I am sorry that you have to deal with such hard circumstances but I guarantee that you have more strength then you know and when you are able to defeat your OCD it will give you
Thank you. It actually means a lot just to meet someone who understands how bad OCD is. Most people seem to think that OCD = being kind of fussy.
Sorry if this sounds offensive or ends up not helping at all since I can’t say I know much about what your going through but I’ll say it anyway just in case it does help you in any way.
Have you ever tried to balance out the tiny mistakes you notice by over exageratting your tiny succeses? For example when you get up in the morning celebrate the fact that you woke up instead of sleeping in even later. Literally call out “heck yes I got up and out of bed today!” Or even “I got muself dressed!” A simple pat on the back for anything positive you do. It sounds kind of stupid but since it’s supposed to be “mind over matter” doesn’t it make sense to try to make your tiny little accomplishments as big of a deal as your mistakes seem? It’s just a thought, you might think its childish or too much effort but if you actually try it for a day or two, who knows? I am sorry that you have to deal with such hard circumstances but I guarantee that you have more strength then you know and when you are able to defeat your OCD it will give you the most satisfying feeling because you’ll be able to say I did the impossible and I fought off death itself. I assure you that there are other people out there that would have their lifes changed because of the you that overcame this situation.
No worries – I’m not offended. Unfortunately, OCD doesn’t work that way. OCD is a neurological disorder. You can’t reason with it any more than you can argue with epilepsy. Thanks to neuroplasticity (the ability of the brain to change), many people with OCD do respond to cognitive behavioral therapy and exposure & response prevention. Unfortunately, I don’t. “Pure O” – my variant of OCD – is generally refractory to treatments that work for other forms of OCD.