How Am I?

Hello….
It’s been a little while
Since I’ve last asked myself
The question
How am I?
Well how am I?
I’m doing okay.
I’m not good
But I’m not bad

A few days ago
I got to talk about
My life
To someone that cared
And listened
They asked me
“How is your life?”
And I, of course, replied with
“No, how are you?”
But what surprised me
Is then they said
“That’s not the point of the question,”

I’ve been busying myself more
If I’m bored I’ll watch YouTube videos
Or I’ll do a mini project

Like today I rearranged my room
It took a while
Maybe a few hours
But it kept my mind off of things
Which I think is good

I get more projects done
Like homework
And writing

I still have a big
To do list
But I’m getting there

I also have a new show
That I watch
One episode every night

I also read
Before I go to sleep

I make scenarios up too
And I picture them happening
So it makes me fall asleep
Feeling more secure
I guess

I also get excited about things now
Like this Wednesday
A book is being delivered
To my house
And I’m excited for it

I’ve also been making more friends
More artsy friends too
Which is good
Because then I can talk about things

A few weeks ago
I got to hang out with a few people
And we just talked
About everything that I liked
And it was good

I’m counting down the days
Until my deadline
I think I’ll be able to pass
I mean I know
I’m not going to be recovered by then
But I do know
That I’ll be far into my recovery
Which is good

I also know professional help
Will make the process go faster
But I think that I can do this
Without professional help
I just think that I can do this

I mean I’m getting better
I know my anorexia and depression
And anxiety and panic stuff
Is still here
But I do know that they’re slowly going away

I mean yeah I still get sad
But I’m getting better
I still get mad too
Like a few days ago I got really mad
And I punched my wall about
Ten? Fifteen? Times
And it bruised my hand
It made it hurt quite a bit

I’m okay now
It’s fine now
So don’t worry about it
I just got mad
At my sister
Using me as her personal punching bag

I talked to my mom about it too
She said she was sorry
But that didn’t really help
Because sorry doesn’t take away
The bruises
Or the brokenness of our relationship
It also doesn’t mend the wounds
Or make them heal

I’m getting a little more confident
With myself too
My friend gives me a compliment
Every week or so
Last week she called me cute and confident
She also said I was an angel

I’m also drawing a little more
It calms me down
And it gets things off of my mind

I have an audition for
A choir for my school
On Tuesday and I’m nervous
Though I know I shouldn’t be
But I still am
Because I know people
Will be disappointed if I don’t get in

I know I’ll be mad at myself
If I don’t get in
Because I think I can do better

Even though deep down
I know that I will do my best

Things are okay
In my life

I mean I still have
This abusive sister
And ignorant parents
And friends
That cause a lot of drama

But I mean
Some good things are happening too

New shows
New drawings
Books
Rearranging things
Change
Music

So I guess I’m starting to get better

But sometimes I get sad
And I feel like no one cares
Because no one is there
And then I remember that
People have lives
And I can’t be their
Top priority
Even though I want myself to be that

Not everyone gets what they want
In life though
And I guess I have to deal with that
Or else that will bring me down

I’m not feeling more loved though
I’m feeling more lonely too
I feel a little hate in my life

But at the same time I feel cared for
And I feel that just because I’m alone
Doesn’t mean that I have to be lonely
And sometimes people make the hate go away
Which is good

School is getting stressful though
I mean I have exams coming up
And that’s kind of scary
But I know I’ll probably pass
Because I’ll study by butt off

I haven’t been staying up until 1AM
Though sometimes I am forced to
Because of friends
Thoughts
Or just plain nightmares
And fears

My images aren’t going away
Which makes me kind of frustrated
Because they should go away
But they’re not
And I just don’t know what to do

I see things flash in my mind
Scary things

My nightmares are not
More frequent
Or less frequent

But sometimes
They can be really gory
And scary
And sad

One night I had a nightmare
Where all of my friends
Were getting tortured
And I couldn’t do a single thing
About it

And that made me
Really really scared

But I had no one to comfort me
So I had to deal with it

But then again that’s okay too
Because I know
That I’m not that important
For people to wake up
And worry about me

Actually I don’t want people to worry about me
But my friend said
That I should let people love me
And worry about me
Because it’s natural
But I just don’t know anymore

I mean I’ve never felt loved
I mean yeah my family says
“Love you,” or “I love you,”
But I’ve never felt it

So how am I?
I’m doing
Actually for once
Okay.