i dont care anymore

Even though it can sometimes seem a little awkward to tell a few things in a very factual way then it is a strategy that has often worked for me when I have talked to a psychiatrist or the like. Because once out of the head and into the conversation then we can talk about it. Ask further, know what to care about, find out what is important to you. Personally I’d say an awkward talk is often better than smalltalk. Talking about the most important matters is very difficult; but it is also so much more giving.

You write that you have often put aside your own needs to do something for other while you got nothing for it. That’s tough! But I think it really shows something brilliant about you: that you actually care about others. I really admire it when people care beyond themselves.

I have lost quite a few friends to either this or that. Cancer, drowning, war, amomgst. They were really impressive people and I often think that if only it was I instead of any of them. But it wasn’t! I am the one who has to live on. I try to think that I was very lucky to get to know those amazing people, when I could have expected so little of life. And I remember each in all kinds of different situations. Like when I am telling my parents’ dog what to do (one trained dogs for the army). Or when there’s something i read that relates to what someone worked with. Or just when I walk somewhere. They didn’t live in vain and if noone else will remember them then I will.

I never ran away from home myself. But how the devil did you manage a year on your own at your age??? You must have been able to do something to pull through that long! Might not have been fun, and I really wish you hadn’t been through that, but you must be able to deal with quite some situations.

Love… That’s a hard one. I know you can give love. You wrote that above. Just who will ever return it; and return it enough for you to be that special. Just recently I finally opened up my heart to someone – I haven’t been in the mood for that kind of relations for a long time – and right now I fear every minute that I will lose her. I can only hope. But I can alwasy hope and since my expectations were so little before then I can only be happy for what little I get.

Well, you just got me ranting…
And remember: You’re not unimportant. Quoting the doctor I have never met anyone unimportant. I might have met bad people – those who never care for others – but then I have also met good people – like you – who actually care for people without getting anything back.