I think about it all the time… at least a few times a day. Suicide. I dont think about how it would affect others.. i dont think about anything but myself. But i never seem to care. I want it so bad in so many different ways. But then i see this kid.. i see how their family and friends are effected. How sad it makes everybody and how much it makes other ppl appreciate their lives and their friends and families lives. Its a curse and a blessing at the same time. It doesnt make me want to end things any less, but it makes me sad still. Its a strange conflict of feelings. Makes me feel selfish and pathetic.. the fact that it doesnt change my mind about my own feelings of the inevitable. It should make me feel more grateful for my own life.. it should remind me of the horribly selfish thing i would be doing to the people that love me, but it doesnt. Im jealous.. he had the courage to do what i havent been able to do. I wish i was strong enough to complete the mission i so wish for every day. I am too scared. I am terrified of hell and purgatory.
I know how fucked up that sounds. i am well aware of how selfish my feelings are. And worst of all, i know i do this to myself.
I read the posts on here and the one thing i see a lot is how ppl mention how those who are blessed with the things i have are never grateful for what they have… its not about being grateful. its not about the things or the ppl around them. Its about the lack of love for ones self. yes, i am blessed. lord knows i dont have the life i want, but very few do. its the guilt. its the regret. its the total disappointment in the choices i have made. i hate myself for not truly being grateful (in the past) for the things i have and fucking eeeeverything up. If i had realized years ago what i have and appreciated those around me that loved me, maybe it wouldve kept me from making the stupid fucking mistakes that ive made. but the truth is, i didnt. knowing these things now will not change the past. I try to remind myself that my past does not define who i am now. We are living in the residual of our own past… and i cant change that now. i know that. but it doesnt make me hate myself any less. i cant get over the bad decisions that ive made.. the mistakes that im trying to fix on a regular basis. i am grateful for what i have. i am grateful for my family.
and when that kid (the one who committed suicide) wrote his suicide note (yep.. on fb) he was well aware of the gifts and the people he was blessed with in his life, he still ended it all. his last words consisted of thanking his friends and family for all the love and support, but he said he just couldnt do it anymore. the love and support just wasnt enough. how could i possibly believe that the people in my life could really make the difference? this isnt their battle, it is mine. reaching out and telling people my true thoughts and feelings and fears and depression wont do me any good. itll just make me feel like a damn fool. nobody ever believes it until it actually happens.
its such a hard thing to understand unless youve been there yourself.
and so few of the people i know have delt with the shit i have.
i dont want sympathy, but i must get it out somewhere.
i have been raped, viciously. cartel, three of them. brutally, with objects and without hardly speaking a word of english. but it was my fault. i was using drugs and they came to my apartment looking for my dealer. if i hadnt been using in the first place none of it wouldve happened.
i have been physically and mentally abused by both of my parents since i was about 13. being the only girl and the oldest, i always took it. my brothers didnt deserve it. it was easier taking it myself. i love my parents, they have done so much for me. and i truly believe that they have changed within the past almost 2 years. i couldnt see them doing anything like that again. well not physically anyway. i am 26 now, so even if they did, i am more than capable of handling it now with no more emotional repercussions.
I am an addict. I am fighting for custody of my son thanks to stupid decisions i have made.
in my mind, that makes any excuses or tragic events null and void.
I dont deserve happiness.
I dont deserve peace.
I dont deserve support.
Not until i fix all the things i have fucked up.
But at this point, im not sure that i can.
I just want the strength to end it.
I pray for that strength all the time
I am done with asking for the strength to live, i want the strength to die.
Im drunk and rambling. Wow.
2 comments
I think you deserve all those things (support, happiness, peace, etc.). Despite what people might think, those are things that everyone deserves and that no one earns. I think we need those things, especially when we are trying to do hard things like changing ourselves and making amends. I don’t think that thinking about suicide is a selfish thing as much as it is a mark of how bad things are really, no matter what a person might think.
Please try to be gentle to yourself. *safe hugs if wanted*
What strikes me is that you feel so unworthy of happiness and guilty for your own mistakes, but people have done horrible things to you. You don’t owe them anything, you owe yourself as much happiness and success as you can muster. I’m afraid praying to God is a waste of time, and you shouldn’t fear what doesn’t exist. I’m sorry about what happened to you x