I’m sitting behind my desk, IT employee.
For the past week, I’ve been resisting an overwhelming urge to put a bullet through my head.
Today the urge is very bad. I had quit smoking a year ago and starting last week i’m smoking again. I’ve been up 5 hours an I’ve smoked a pack already.
I’m at a point where I need to talk about this but can’t find anyone to talk to, not even my fiance. We’re getting engaged next week.
My heart keeps beating rapidly and I’m visualizing myself pulling that trigger and that bullet would go into my head and turn everything off.
I’m doing well, good job, good friends, it just makes me wonder why do I have this crazy urge. I feel like a coward, what’s driving me to run away from everything? What am I trying to run away from?
I won’t kill myself. I just want this urge to go.
5 comments
If you want to talk message me in skype (phil2921)
Well, your life is ok. Everything is fine and most people regret not getting married and some regret getting married so why not regret after getting married? Be happy man, you’ve everything you need to be happy in life. Don’t think too much, just go and get married. Talk to your friends, I mean real friends. I don’t have any friends and I know how does it feel to stay alone, it sucks.
It sounds like overwhelming anxiety to me. Perhaps talk to your family doctor. I warn you not to mention suicide or your MD can have you put in a hospital for at least a few days. Perhaps your life is not so perfect as you like to think. Just because you are doing all the things society expects from a successful person, doesn’t mean that it’s what makes you feel good or complete. A good therapist is hard to find, but if you can find one, a good one can really help. I wish you well.
Thank you.
I talked to a therapist today, and I’m starting to feel much better. It’s unbelievable how easy it is to become suicidal. I just have that tendency. six years ago I tried to slit my wrist but I’d done it wrong, i was failing many things and I tried to run away. I’ll get better with the therapist now.
Hey, just had an idea. You’re an IT employee. Do you sit behind a desk using your brain a lot? Do you exercise? If not, try getting regular exercise to release all that pent up anxiety energy. You might feel better. I could never handle a full time desk job on a computer. I’d go nuts!