I just can’t!

I just can’t deal with this anymore! For how many years I’ve been plastering on a fake smile and drifting through life seemingly happy, but deep down I just want to scream every time somebody thinks I’m okay. Years ago when I was 10 I was physically and mentally abused, I was beaten down and made to believe that I was a monster, a problem, a waste of god damn space. I tried to tell people and they didn’t believe me! People who were meant to protect me! I believed I was a monster because these people seemed to love my abuser more than me and therefore that made me think ‘how terrible must I be, for them to love somebody like that more?’. Now people try to tell me they understand? They understand because they’ve been bullied too… I went through 2 years of abuse, a long with school yard bullies there is a difference! Don’t tell me you can protect me when it’s already happened! I dont want your pity! Don’t tell me you miss or care for me because I can’t feel that way back! I don’t think I can feel anything but anger and that scares me. The only things I’m good at are being alone and making other people angry, so why am I still here? it seems like even my own parents can’t stand me anymore. I can’t seem to find it in me to care.  I’m broken goods, I’m invaluable to everybody, I’m nothing but a monster, a problem and a waste of god damn space. And I feel like I just can’t anymore.